i woke up this morning after a very pleasant dream. one that i wanted to go back to desperately. it was like a story playing out in my dream-land, one that i wanted to continue and see what happened in the end. but of course the alarm clock went off and i had to get up to take H to work today since his car is in the shop.
i am wondering why we dream the dreams we dream. especially when someone appears in your dream who you haven't thought about in over 20 years. maybe more. i'd love to find out why that happens out of the blue. and especially what certain things mean in dreams.
last night, i dreamt about colin, a friend of mine from high school. he went to the private school in my neighborhood, and i went to the public school, but the public and private schools often interacted, so i knew a lot of the people at the private school. we interacted at first at ballroom dancing classes at the local country club when we were in junior high. we became friends. in fact, we dated off and on. but mostly we were friends. nothing ever romantically serious developed between us, but there was always an attraction, and a good friendship. he went off to tulane for college and i don't remember seeing him after that except once or twice around the holidays when we were in the early years in college.
so...there he was in my dream. we were in our early twenties. i, of course, looked great (i.e. wasn't overweight, beautiful hair and skin...etc.) but i was still me. i can't verbalize what the location was - but it was some kind of...group retreat in a wooded, cabin area. not sure of the purpose, but apparently that wasn't important. i was sitting in a grassy area, shaving my legs (???) and thinking to myself "i hope no one sees me or cares that i'm shaving my legs." and of course, someone did. colin ( a 6'5", dark haired, good looking, very preppy guy with a voice to die for...) and his friends showed up - but me shaving my legs wasn't an issue, wasn't weird, just seemed normal. they had to go somewhere, but colin came back in a few minutes when i was done. i remember he and i talking about his family, his mother and sisters. and sort of catching up, though it felt like it wasn't necessary to catch up because it wasn't like i had just seen him for the first time in years. obviously we'd interacted on a constant basis up to that point. anyway, i don't really remember what happened. but i do remember the feeling of rekindled romance, and happiness to have rediscovered a friendship and a commitment to it - on both my side and his - when i woke up. so of course, upon waking, i'm thinking of colin and wondering what he's up to now. and most of all, i'm wondering WHY? why now? why colin? what does it mean?
i'm not feeling like "oh, i wish i was with colin now" or feeling unhappy about my marriage or anything like that - on the contrary, i'm very happy with H. but, i do have this feeling that is hard to describe. like, i'd love to see colin again, spend time with him. hear his voice again. get that bond back. yet i know i'm not going to do that. i'm not going to spend money on an online search to find his address and phone number and contact him. i'd feel weird doing that, H wouldn't like it, and i'm not sure colin wouldn't think it was totally weird.
i associate specific music with colin. he was a wonderful pianist. we shared a love of joe jackson, elvis costello, billy joel...and a love of the movie the big chill. i associate a time of my life with him. a certain feeling i felt then. of being...attractive, young, interesting, cool and special. this was all before any of my depression started. i was undamaged. and, i felt special. he seeked out my company.
did this dream and the resulting feeling come to me because i want someone to seek out my company?? i want someone to tell me why i'm special, me in particular, to them? what makes me important in their lives? that i'm not just around because i'm convenient, but that i'm around because i am filling some need in someone's life (aside from H's)? or that i'm wanted for certain reasons in someone elses life? am i lamenting days gone by for some reason?
i really wish i understood.
maybe my friend in WA can help me get to the root of this dream. i'll ask her later today.
anyway...i have a therapy appointment today that i'm very much looking forward to attending. i really like my new therapist. young girl, new to the profession, but i like her. this will be my second visit to her.
in a bit, i'm getting ready to go back to the town hall to get my driver's license since i got my new social security card in the mail yesterday. YAY!!
we're going to experience big snowfall this evening through wednesday evening. predicting a total of 18 inches possible. just when we're actually able to see the streets clear of snow. and on the radio they say it's still 2 feet less snowfall than normal in our area. hard to believe.
well...i hope all of you have a lovely tuesday.