Tuesday, February 13, 2007


i'm stressed.

i thought today was going to be a good day. got up, no headache! fed dogs and cats, ironed for H and drove him to work (saab was still in the shop. just got it back an hour ago) came home and showered, went to the town building DMV and got my new driver's license in my married name. came home, changed, got the dogs settled in the garage with some heaters (for me, too) and chewies for them, my laptop and sat down to read some blogs i visit daily.

got a call from H. wanted me to come pick him up, his boss wants him to leave.

H wouldn't get into it on the phone, so my mind was racing for the 25 minute drive to get him.

he's not fired, he didn't quit. he messed up but good and his boss is angry with him. H sometimes exaggerates, but the stress level at his job is ridiculous and mostly because his boss, the owner of the company, doesn't know how to deal with HIS stress, heaps it on H, and basically doesn't treat him very well a lot of the time.

H is very good at his job. this is a new (past 4 yrs) career for H as he used to be a chef/in the restaurant business and had to find a new career because of his diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis. he got out to find a less stressful career. HA!

H makes fantastic money, and most of it is commission based.

does he stay and suck it up? or, does he try to get out of the 2 year non-compete clause he signed (he really believes his boss will let him out of it, i, on the other hand, am not so sure) and go to one of the other companies in his business who call him weekly to try to recruit him to their company?

H has a lot of pride, and that gets in the way a lot. H sometimes can be his own worst enemy in all aspects of his life. H gets in his own way a lot of the time. But, H is a good man, a warm, loving, gentle soul, a doer most of the time. But H has mood swings - sometimes because of the diabetes, sometimes because of situations, and sometimes just because. H doesn't have any outlet for his anger and stress and sometimes i get the brunt of it (just verbally letting stress out, or sometimes just coldness) even though he tries not to let that happen. H is very sensitive. very sensitive. H feels like less of a man sometimes because of his diseases...and it does a number on his self-esteem and it overflows onto all aspects of his life. so, right now i find myself not able to voice MY stress of this whole situation because i have to keep it together for him.

to be certain, i back him 100% on whatever decision he makes.

but right now i'm not allowed to be visibly or verbally worried about this situation, because that will give him more stress...and he'll explode. i need to be his rock, as i usually am, and i need to suck it up and let him go through his paces and figure this out. i can be a sounding board, offer my opinions and suggestions as he thinks about his next step...but i have to be smart about it or the house of cards is going to fall in my lap.

i know my role in our lives is to be the caretaker, the supporter, the rock, the fixer, the nurturer, the calmer, the cheerleader and the mess cleaner-upper.

right now, i'm not feeling good about any of that. and i'm wondering how i'm going to get through this day without bursting a gasket of my own.

H has thought about it, talked to the office, and is going in tomorrow - keeping the status quo there. he thinks it is the right thing to do for us right now. and said that he needs to do this and suck it up and not let his pride get in the way. :)

therapist appointment was good, very helpful. she told me that cyclical things go both ways. they go upward as well as downward. we talked about some other things which were very helpful, very helpful...and i plan on following her advice.


bhd said...

Wrap up and take the dogs for a walk.

Alison said...

I like bhd's idea.

Take care of you.

Mississippi Songbird said...

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.Yeah, go for a walk, but don't get buried in snow..lol