A serious post for a change. And, a very personal one. One thatI'm not sure I won't take down right after I hit submit...
Ali at http://alithinks.typepad.com/alithinks/ had a post up for 12/4/06 that really hit home for me. You can read my comment, there. That got me thinking about an issue that I rarely write about, or talk about as it is just too painful and to hard for me to vocalize how I feel and what I mean when it comes to my weight.
Those who don’t struggle, really have NO idea how big an issue this can be for someone. It can consume you to the point where there isn’t 5 minutes that go by that you don’t think about it, or that something in your life doesn’t filter back to you being overweight…whether it be getting dressed in the morning, making love with one’s partner, being in a meeting at work, interviewing for a job, reaching out to friends, going to the store (CHRIST, I am matron of honor in my best friend's wedding this May and I am HORRIFIED and NOT looking forward to being a part of this...finding a dress...having pictures taken)….almost every choice or decision, I make (sometimes every thought) comes back to this or stems from this.
(As a side note - you’d see me, or watch me eat, and you wouldn’t understand why I am overweight. I don’t eat huge portions, I am not a between – meal snacker, I don’t eat dessert much. So it stands to reason that it must be what I eat, when I eat, and the 20 years of eating what I eat. I’m lucky, I have GREAT cholesterol, and fantastic blood pressure. Those two things amaze me, considering my weight.)
I don’t need suggestions on how to have a better diet. I don’t need encouragement to exercise. I am not a stupid person. I know what to do. It’s just DOING it that remains so difficult, and I really don’t know why.
I know this goes back to feelings of failure, fear of more failure, feelings of inadequacy, fear of success, too, and just plain insecurities on many levels. I don’t understand it, because in my “waking” life, I honestly feel like a smart, loveable, charming, engaging, entertaining, friendly person one would want to be around. BUT then, the topic of food or exercise or being overweight comes up, and I turn into an insecure, worthless, dense, quiet mouse of a person that I don’t even recognize. Sometimes I just know that people look at me and judge me – in my office, in the store, at a restaurant, at a bar, at the gym – IN MY FAMILY. Even people who know me think of me first as that fat woman, not as the woman who is creative, talented, funny, smart, a good friend,…yadda yadda yadda…Sometimes I really, honestly, feel that people would like me better if I wasn’t fat. I think that when I meet people for the first time, I’m discounted because of my weight. (EVEN in a community like RP where I feel pretty accepted - regardless or in spite of, sometimes. And, especially in my home town – so much so, that I have avoided class reunions, certains bars and get togethers over the holidays for fear of being seen and gawked and and judged and looked at as disgusting.) SO, does this mean I’m passive-aggressive? That I stay overweight to prove that I can be accepted IN SPITE of this??
Who is the real me? And, why do I continue in this spiral? Is it a control thing with me? Is it because food - what I eat - is the only thing I feel I have control over in my life? I honestly don’t know the answers to these questions. And it is scary to know that I have to find out. Once and for all.