Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A Serious Post, A Personal Post

A serious post for a change. And, a very personal one. One thatI'm not sure I won't take down right after I hit submit...

Ali at http://alithinks.typepad.com/alithinks/ had a post up for 12/4/06 that really hit home for me. You can read my comment, there. That got me thinking about an issue that I rarely write about, or talk about as it is just too painful and to hard for me to vocalize how I feel and what I mean when it comes to my weight.

Those who don’t struggle, really have NO idea how big an issue this can be for someone. It can consume you to the point where there isn’t 5 minutes that go by that you don’t think about it, or that something in your life doesn’t filter back to you being overweight…whether it be getting dressed in the morning, making love with one’s partner, being in a meeting at work, interviewing for a job, reaching out to friends, going to the store (CHRIST, I am matron of honor in my best friend's wedding this May and I am HORRIFIED and NOT looking forward to being a part of this...finding a dress...having pictures taken)….almost every choice or decision, I make (sometimes every thought) comes back to this or stems from this.

(As a side note - you’d see me, or watch me eat, and you wouldn’t understand why I am overweight. I don’t eat huge portions, I am not a between – meal snacker, I don’t eat dessert much. So it stands to reason that it must be what I eat, when I eat, and the 20 years of eating what I eat. I’m lucky, I have GREAT cholesterol, and fantastic blood pressure. Those two things amaze me, considering my weight.)

I don’t need suggestions on how to have a better diet. I don’t need encouragement to exercise. I am not a stupid person. I know what to do. It’s just DOING it that remains so difficult, and I really don’t know why.

I know this goes back to feelings of failure, fear of more failure, feelings of inadequacy, fear of success, too, and just plain insecurities on many levels. I don’t understand it, because in my “waking” life, I honestly feel like a smart, loveable, charming, engaging, entertaining, friendly person one would want to be around. BUT then, the topic of food or exercise or being overweight comes up, and I turn into an insecure, worthless, dense, quiet mouse of a person that I don’t even recognize. Sometimes I just know that people look at me and judge me – in my office, in the store, at a restaurant, at a bar, at the gym – IN MY FAMILY. Even people who know me think of me first as that fat woman, not as the woman who is creative, talented, funny, smart, a good friend,…yadda yadda yadda…Sometimes I really, honestly, feel that people would like me better if I wasn’t fat. I think that when I meet people for the first time, I’m discounted because of my weight. (EVEN in a community like RP where I feel pretty accepted - regardless or in spite of, sometimes. And, especially in my home town – so much so, that I have avoided class reunions, certains bars and get togethers over the holidays for fear of being seen and gawked and and judged and looked at as disgusting.) SO, does this mean I’m passive-aggressive? That I stay overweight to prove that I can be accepted IN SPITE of this??

Who is the real me? And, why do I continue in this spiral? Is it a control thing with me? Is it because food - what I eat - is the only thing I feel I have control over in my life? I honestly don’t know the answers to these questions. And it is scary to know that I have to find out. Once and for all.


The CEO said...

The only way you are ever going to find out is to rigorously write down everything you put into your mouth and got to a nutritionist, and find out what is going on.

It's generally the things you put into your mouth without thinking that get you. I mean really undermine whatever you're trying to do.

After that, stick with professional help. If you can't find a way to make anything work, go find a therapist and find out why you're undermining your own efforts. don't ever settle, keep pushing. Do it because you're smart.

The hardest thing to do is to figure yourself out. I'm still trying to figure myself out.

bhd said...

I have to correct you. I - we - think of you as "creative, talented, funny, smart, a good friend" and you neglected to mention this: beautiful! Your smile lights up a room; your presence is scintillating and your laughter sends sparkles of energy everywhere. You had to good sense to buy a shocking pink and orange bathing suit and wear it proudly - and you looked pretty hot in that, if I may say so.

Love what ya got. Be who you are. And let's talk about it. I have more to talk about than you do, but you outshine me every which way to Sunday.

mist1 said...

Ali's post stirred up a lot of stuff for me too. For a long time, numbers have determined lots of stuff for me. The right number meant everything was under control. The wrong number spelled disaster. On days when I feel like a mess, I still think about getting on a scale just to see if stuff is really as bad as I think it is. Sometimes, I drive to Target and take the scales out of the boxes just to make sure. Pathetic, isn't it?

rebecca said...

CEO - i'm not sure what i'm trying to do, or ready to do, that's the - or another - problem, i guess.

bhd - i love you and thank you - and there's no way anyone can outshine you in any way.

mist1 - thank you for sharing this. pathetic? i don't think that's what i'd say. it is just wild how this is so much of an issue for many of us and how it manifests itself in us in such different ways.

Alison said...

I've already e-mailed you about this, so you know my thoughts on the issue. The CEO had some good advice, you know you need to listen to BHD, and Mist confirmed the fact that it touches so many of us.

Mississippi Songbird said...

I know how you feel...