OK...

ok, it has been one of those days. i've been thinking a lot.

i've got my dermatologist appt in march.

i've got the balls rolling for the possible lap-band surgery. they called today and explained the process. they send me an application and two letters that my doctor needs to send in with my complete application. they review my application and decide if i fit the criteria. then, if i do, i get invited to a seminar that is held on the first thursday of every month, with my "support person". this seminar explains what has to happen before, during and after the surgery. then, one week after that i can call an make the initial appointment with the nurse practitioner who will go over everything with me, then a nutritionist, and a physical therapist. this is a 3 hr appointment. then, no sooner than 8 weeks after that initial appointment, i make the appointment for surgery. so, the soonest all this would happen is may sometime.

i'm ok with this.

i did some research on the clinic in the hospital, some research on the surgeon. all good things. i will be instructed to go on the south beach diet after my initial appointment to make sure that i follow this to the T, and if i don't, he won't perform the surgery.

i'm ok with this.

just purchased 3 books - south beach diet, south beach eating out guide and south beach recipes, all from amazon.com. i'm getting prepared for this.

in the meantime, today i had the bloodwork done for testing for Cushings Syndrome. the more i'm thinking about the possibility of having this, the angrier i get. i mean, it is wonderful if this is finally diagnosed....it explains so much. but why the HELL hadn't any of my former primary care physicians (until this wonderful D.O.) even THOUGHT about testing for this or this being a possibility for me for over 15 years of my life???? the pain, the emotional problems, the CHOICES i've made.....GOD!!! a lot of that stems from weight issues. ok, some stem from being an only child and having issues with my parents....but i have had serious self-esteem and image issues...and have been damaged by this. if this is the reason.....i'm thankful the doctor is thorough enough to think of this possibility. there could be a reason for all this. if i have it. and if i do, then they can treat me, and fix my physical problems which will go a long way in fixing some of my image problems and esteem issues. if it turns out i DON'T have Cushings Syndrome, well...OK. i'll continue as planned and pursue the lap-band path regardless. it is wild to think that there may be an REASON for my depression...my weight gain...my low to nonexistant metabolism...my pain...the panic attacks and other things. it is amazing....... but it makes me so damn mad that it has taken this long!!

then again, i may not have Cushings Syndrome. and thus, misplaced anger. another issue within myself.

and, i have to learn to be ok if i get the results back and i don't have Cushings...it isn't like i can direct any of this anger at my past non-diagnosis to any one person (other than myself) or whatever. i just have to get over that and move forward. because, even if they did diagnose me earlier in life, that means my choices would have been different, and i may not have all the blessings i have now. gotta look at it that way, i suppose.