rebecca at large

An Interesting E-mail I received - like a Meme

2008-03-10T15:48:00.003-05:00

hey, i got an interesting e-mail, that's like a meme. so i'm going to put it here.

instructions are as follows:

...send it back to ME. But FIRST send a blank one out to all your friends, including me, so we can return the favor to you. Be honest. They're really SCARY to get back. It only takes a few minutes, so just do it!

First send (forward) this survey to everyone you know to see how well he or she knows you.

Second, hit 'reply' and fill this survey out about the person who sent it to you and send it back to them.

Where did we meet?________________________
Take a stab at my middle name?________________
Do I smoke?_______________________________
Color of my eyes?__________________________
Do I have any siblings?__________________
What's one of my favorite things to do?__________________
What's my favorite type of music?______________________
Am I shy or outgoing?____________________________
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?_______________________
Any special talents?_____________________________
How many children do I have?_________________________
If you and I were stranded on a desert island,
what is one thing that I would bring?_____________________________

I can't wait to see the answers...

Please take a sec and fill out and send back!!

---- and you know what? i got it back from 3 friends so far, and not one of them got my eye color correct ;)

Yep, Another One

2008-02-03T16:33:00.000-05:00

got this from mississippi songbird. blame her. i love memes.

The rules of the tag:

- Pick your birth month.
- Bold the 5-10 that best apply to you.
- Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months.
- Tag people from your friends list.

I'm not tagging anyone. You can do it if you like.. no pressure!

My birth Month is June so here I go..... (i'm probably bolding more than 5-10)

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

I Smelled a llama because I'm a Ninja!

2008-02-01T19:59:00.000-05:00

yeah...i'm lazy, so i enjoy blog memes. this is from Mike at Notoriously Nice.

This is funny, don't spoil the fun, and keep it going............Type out the sentence you end up with, in the subject line and forward to your friends...also, send it back to the person that sent it to you.

Pick the month you were born:

January-------I kicked
February------I loved
March--------I karate chopped
April----------I licked
May----------I jumped on
June----------I smelled
July-----------I did the Macarena With
August--------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October-------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-- -----a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my mobile phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbour
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19------ - a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a surfer
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink-----------because I'm crazy.
Red-----------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple---------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown---------because I can.
Other----------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself!

Now type out the sentence you made, in the subject line and forward to your
friends. Don't forget to send it back to the person that sent it to you! I
can't wait to see what you get stuck with.................

it was either i smelled a llama because i'm a ninja or i smelled a llama because i think i need some serious help. LOL either one is funny to me.

this goes to Beanie, BHD, Melanie, Agnes and Mississippi Steph.

or not. have fun.

A Story

2008-01-31T20:51:00.000-05:00

i just wrote this to a friend, and instead of rewriting it here...which i don't have the patience or time to right now, i'm copying it (hope you're not insulted, bhd.)

years ago, when i was 17, i fell for this guy i knew for years, but didn't know well, as he was a good deal older than me. friends with my friend's brother, who i was very close to. anyway, we saw each other at a party or something and started dating. very innocently. however, he was 24, i was 17. i was just smitten. he was too, for a while. but then, took me for a ride. rejected me, hit on my best friend - trish, then would send me mixed signals...yadda yadda. this went on for a couple years whenever i'd see him (not often) at parties or out at bars. he'd hit on me, we'd make out, i'd forgive, he'd drop me. blah. anyway, last time we saw each other it wasn't pretty. he was a big drinker, big partier, big womanizer, kind of a jerk. but, thanks to him i've got a really great friend in another mutual friend, dinesh....and i also contribute much of my weight gain to the depression that began at the start of his rejection of me, and my broken heart. sleeping yet??

several years later, bill ended up marrying this girl from my church who trish and i hated (she actually called trish "trash" to her face once! lord how people change!) and, more years later, went to the seminary. turns out a couple years ago, he comes back to the home town, and now is minister of my church. also my mom's church. also trish's church, and trish's mom's church.

i have always wanted to run into him, because i wanted to see how he'd react to seeing me. i have always wanted some kind of acknowledgement of how badly he treated me from him. not an apology, of course, but i wanted to see in his eyes that he remembered how much of a jerk he was to me and how much he'd hurt me over and over (yes i have taken responsibility for my part in that saga...) and i always thought it would be at church, AFTER i'd lost a ton of weight, and felt confident facing him again.

turns out on tuesday, when i was at trish's mom's, helping them go through things, pack things for her move, and get things together for goodwill, etc...there was a scheduled visit from bill and the church's wellness advocate, who is a good friend of my mom who i haven't met before. so, i knew i would run into bill, but he didn't know i'd be there. the plan was to say hello, then leave them with trish's mom so they could visit, and we could pack. trish knows how weird this could be, and in the recent past has obviously had to deal with bill on many occasions. she says he's always a little awkward with her, but it isn't ever long interactions, and she doesn't really care, so it is fine. but she knows this is potentially big for me. she was with me through all the tears those years ago. and probably more aware than i am how those things molded part of my personality, and perhaps in how i deal with men to this day. (worth me exploring in more thought another time)

so, they show up. i'm in another room, there's all the greeting going on with trish, her aunt, her sister, her mom (of course) and then i walk into the room. trish is introducing everyone, and finally says, as i walk into the room, "and of course you remember becky, bill" and, with a little glimmer of shock, he looks at me, and says "yes - how are you??" we establish that i'm living in buffalo etc. very brief small talk. he's there to comfort helen-jean (trish's mom) and we all quickly turn our attention to her. and immediately, trish, her sister, aunt and i go upstairs to do our thing. i didn't feel weird. i didn't harbor any ill feelings or self-consciousness. but that in itself is weird!

bill looks so different. he is thinner (he runs now, and doesn't drink anymore), and has that disease where you lose all your hair (alopecia?) including eyelashes and eyebrows. so he's quite bald. he was a toehead before, and one of the things i remember the most was how soft his lovely straight blonde hair was. and he had a lovely long roman nose. and blue eyes. and a laugh!! oh my. we had so much in common when it came to music etc. i held him up as the ultimate for so many years. and i often thought my broken heart would never mend, in my early 20's. it did. but he was my first heartbreak. and i never got any answers as to why. especially after the things he'd say to me: compliments. plans made. promises never kept. it fucked me up but good. even though i held onto that for too long and gave it too much power.

and, you know what? he looks happy and at peace. i am able to see that now. see that people CAN really change. when i first heard he was in the seminary, i laughed. when i heard he was the minister at my church, i laughed harder and was a bit angry and disgusted. how can people change THAT much? i didn't believe it could happen. but i was hanging on to anger and hurt. and i needed some kind of recognition from him. some kind of acknowledgement that he had hurt me, remembered, and was sorry. i admit i'd still like that a little bit. but, we had this first contact. and it was ok. it really was ok.

so we were upstairs doing our thing, cleaning out helen-jean's closet, literally. when they were leaving, they called up to us. we went downstairs to say goodbye, and thank them for coming, which trish did. deb (the woman who came with bill, my mom's friend) said "it was really nice meeting you, rebecca. oh bill! you do know that this is annette moulton's daughter, right?" much blushing, and a little smile on his face, trish turned away, and a little smile on mine, too (no eyes connecting between any of us). he said, "yes." and deb said "oh. do you two know each other??" more blushing on his part, looking down on my part, with a laugh, and trish swallowing much laughter, left the room "yes." bill and i said together. and deb said "oh. ok." and then there were more quick goodbyes, nice to meet you's etc. etc.

then trish and i ran upstairs and collapsed in laughter like we would have at 17.

actually, i really think that this first meeting/seeing of bill could not have been set up any better. really. it was because of something we were both doing for someone we cared about, so we were outside our own agenda's, and because we weren't focused on ourselves. neutral territory. and quick.

i do wonder a little about what he thought when he first saw me. and if he thought of me later. if he remembered things...but i know he did think of those things. and probably felt remorseful, too.

he's a good man. a good father. he's well liked at the church, doing good things. and most of all - my mom feels that he's definitely changed. she was his worst critic back in the day. and remembers what he'd put me through. so, if she can feel that way...my feeling that way probably isn't wrong.

it was so interesting! i feel kind of at peace about it. of course, i'd still love to have a conversation with him...about that time in my life. not sure what i'd say, or what i'd really accomplish by it. but i do think about that. it may never happen. and maybe that's ok.

regardless, i've seen him. first time in 15 yrs. things are so different now. and i feel ok about how i look, so i wasn't really self conscious about that (first time i can actually say that and mean it, in years!)

ok, so it may not be all that funny...but i thought that comment from deb "do you know this is annette's daughter" and "oh, do you two know each other?" cracked me UP!

oh, and the other weird thing about all this? my first "love's" name was William Henry. and i married Henry Williams. insert twilight-zone music, here.

Memes Galore!

2008-01-25T21:24:00.000-05:00

another MEME!!

i got this from missisippi songbird.

Here it is. Tell 7 random things about myself and then tag 7 more people. I'm going to tag seven. You can do this at your leisure or not do it at all. it's up to you..It's just a little thing to get to know you better..

1.) I once met Brett Michaels from Poison with Pamela Anderson (before she was lee, rock, lee or whomever she's married to now). in college at pitt, i was friends with a girl from mechanicsburg, pa. she went to high school with brett szichek (michaels). my friend trish and i went home with her one thanksgiving holiday (my aunt lived in nearby lancaster) and went out to a bar where all her high school friends hung out. in walks brett michaels and pamela anderson. everyone ignored them except trish and i. we walked over to say hi. they were very, very nice and sweet. we went back to the table where my friend and her friends were, and they threw bar napkins at us with fake autographs like "all the best, jimmy page" and "you're my favorite groupie! love, robert plant" as they tried to make fun of us.

2.) i have gone to the University of Pittsburgh, The Art Institute of Pittsburgh, and Duquesne University. I have about 6 or 7 years of college under my belt. but, due to transferring, and changing majors so many times, i have no degree. sigh.

3.) i lived in Uniontown, PA. yes, gulp, i did. i like to call it the armpit of pennsylvania. horrible place to live. and so close to west virginia (which i'm sure is a lovely state).

4.) i was married once before. (thus, living in uniontown) short marriage. it was one of those times that i was comparing myself to everyone else i knew and was hanging out with at the time. i felt behind. everyone was getting married, or had been married and was having kids...and i had not even a prospect. then i met him, he proposed 2 wks later, and 4 wks later i moved in. we got married in marthas vineyard. seeing marthas vineyard was the best thing about the 3yr union.

5.) i didn't talk to my parents for 2 yrs while living around the corner from them for almost a year. long story short...i wanted to move to chicago and was interviewing for jobs in chicago...and my parents basically told me i was stupid for leaving my current job (one i hated, but i loved the company) and it was the stupidest decision i'd make. unfortunately, the chicago thing didn't work out. but, neither did my relationship with my parents for 2 yrs. mom was treating me like one of her patients (she was a social worker and a therapist.) and i needed a mom. for all you mom's out there - never stop being a mom.

6.) i'm an only child. hated it growing up. always linked myself with friends who had big families. i loved being around big families. now i'm a part of one! married a middle boy out of 6 total kids. so many neices and nephews! i love it. a dream come true.

7.) i've never broken a bone in my body. well, that's not really true. my best friend, trish, while at a gathering when we were in 10th grade, came up behind me and proceeded to knee me in the ass. yup, broken tailbone. she didn't mean to do it, she was actually trying to miss but got too excited or something. LOL. they can't do anything for a broken tailbone at 15. no xrays, nothing. so, my ass hurts sometimes when it rains or is really cold. go figure.

this was a lot harder than i thought! i am feeling quite uninteresting.

oh well. here's who i'm tagging.

TK
Beanie
BHD
Lynne
Winter
Melanie
NWG

if you all don't want to do this, or don't have the time - it's fine. i happen to love memes, and i know not everyone does.

a Meme to come back to.

2008-01-15T11:36:00.000-05:00

i need to pay more attention to my blog...but i just haven't had much to say lately, and life has been quite busy.

in any case, i got this from ali's blog, bhd's blog, and beanie's blog.

here goes the rules:
bold all the statements that are true. My personal commentary will be in italics next to the statements I want to comment on.

some legal stuff for the meme.

Original source: The list is based on an exercise developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. The exercise developers ask that if you participate in this blog game, you acknowledge their copyright.

If you want to participate, please do the same. And here we go!

Father went to college - Lafayette
Father finished college - and grad school at Pitt. engineering degree and MBA.
Mother went to college - first, nursing school, then later in life, Pitt - psych and art history major
Mother finished college - BA in psych, then on to get her grad degree in social work.
Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor -
Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
Had more than 500 books in your childhood home -
Were read children’s books by a parent
Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18 - ballet, clarinet, piano, and several different types of art lessons
Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively - weird, general statement. hmm.
Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs - not a trust
Went to a private high school -
Went to summer camp - Summer's Best Two Weeks,every year as a kid from first grade through 6th, affiliated with our church. also continued to be involved in it on the Work Crew and eventually as a counselor. and also away camp for two weeks each summer for 2 yrs in 5th and 6th grade on lake erie.
Had a private tutor before you turned 18
Family vacations involved staying at hotels - sometimes. most of the times we had time-shares, or something.
Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 - my mom is a very talented seamstress. when i was a kid, we had matching outfits sometimes! but she made some of my clothes always. even each of my formal and prom dresses.
Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them - no, i didn't start driving until i was 25.
There was original art in your house when you were a child - yes, we all love art in my family
Had a phone in your room before you turned 18
You and your family lived in a single family house
Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home - yes, possibly also before i was born.
You had your own room as a child - yes - i was and am an only child.
Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course - yes, we were all required to do so in our school.
Had your own TV in your room in High School
Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16 - florida, georgia, new england
Went on a cruise with your family
Went on more than one cruise with your family
Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up - yes, often, and to the ballet and symphony and flower conservatories and the aviary.
You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family - absolutely unaware.

_________________________________

i look at my answers, and i feel that it paints a weird picture. i was (and am) quite fortunate. and yes, we were upper middle class. i never thought about it, nor did i compare myself to any of my friends - except that we had a smaller house - which makes sense because there were just the 3 of us. we could have been closer, but i never wanted for anything, even love. i certainly was (and am) blessed. but, i feel moreso because my parents were so culturally aware and really allowed me to pursue any type of art that i was interested in. unfortunately, at the time, i didn't appreciate that. i was blissfully unaware of so many things. we had troubles a couple times, that i'm aware of now that i'm older, but they kept it from me when it was happening.

your life is so small when you're a kid. your whole world is your home and your school and your friends. simpler in youth.

my dad was a different person then. now that he's retired, i see a happier, gentler and less stressed man. the transformation is physical and within his character. it is a good thing to see.

my mom just had an art show at a gallery in pittsburgh, and my camera was broken so i don't have any pictures to share yet. she will send me some so that i can share. i am very proud of her.

anyway - fun meme. a good thing for reflection.

update

2007-11-01T13:14:00.000-05:00

2 days ago i was at the hospital, again, from 9am to 7pm. blood taken, iv fluids given (including potassium which i was seriously lacking!) another ct scan and more xrays. nothing was found in any of it. that would seem like good news, but it doesn't help explain why i'm so sick and feel so horrible and in pain when i'm conscious.

i made an appointment for next friday for an endoscopy so they can look and see if there's something amiss that they couldn't find in the other snapshots. and, they will blow open my "pouch" (the new stomach) to make it less tight - in hopes that that will make me feel better. i hope it works.

needless to say, i'm not sleeping because i can't get comfortable. pain all over my torso, especially around my ribcage and in between my ribcage where the pouch is. i'm constantly (TMI ALERT!) puking up "foam" (saliva) and it is getting harder and harder to drink water. oh yeah, i haven't had anything in the way of food since last thursday. i could care less about that - but the water thing really bothers me. water is starting to taste bad to me (did you know water had a taste??) i've been drinking aquafina - which used to taste the best to me! and i tried the cold water from the fridge dispenser. that too tasted weird. almost sweet. today i'm drinking evian - and cold, it is ok...but room temp - it isn't. problem is, cold doesn't work for my pouch.

all this has me so depressed...you don't even know. and there's nothing anyone can do for me. so this is creating stress at home. hubby is very, very stressed out. i keep telling him if i could will this away, i would. and that i'm not doing this TO him. if i could feel better - god, i would in a second. i don't enjoy this.

thank you for all of your well-wishes and prayers. please, please keep them coming.

until then, here's the beeb.

sorry, guys

2007-10-26T10:42:00.001-05:00

not into blogging these days.
just not in a good place physically, mentally and spiritually.
writing/blogging about it means facing it.
and i can't do that right now.

doesn't mean i don't care about all of you - i certainly am a reader even though i'm not a blogger/writer right now.

love to you all.

A Year Ago This Week

2007-10-01T11:55:00.000-05:00

sigh...

a year ago today i was on my way to the abacos islands of the bahamas.

in 2 hrs, we'd be at our destination with a lovely tropical drink in hand.

i cannot believe how fast this year went. our 1 yr anniversary will be on october 6. and i feel like it was yesterday.

what celeb?

2007-09-13T15:20:00.000-05:00

http://www.whatceleb.com/

mine is kenneth branagh, which i am TOTALLY OK with, as i have had a crush on him for years.

meme from melanie

2007-09-11T21:20:00.000-05:00

1. Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies?
depends on the movie. i still think gone with the wind should have been black and white.

2. What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?
myself

3. MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music? records and cds

4. You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?
if i wasn't married, yeah. but no.

5. Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?
war

6. How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?
no idea

7. You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be? i wouldn't have gained so much weight in my 20's.

8. You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be? holocaust

9. A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry” which do you choose? OPRY!!

10. What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve? which came first, chicken or the egg. ok, i don't really know.

11. One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal? john fowles. we'd discuss the magus at length...and maybe the collector. we'd have bacon wrapped scallops with a dipping sauce for an appetizer, caesar salad, london broil, grilled asparagus, crescent rolls, pino grigio and flame brule for dessert. if i went with my second choice - pat conroy, we'd have KFC, or pizza hut dipping pizza :)

12. You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky - what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact? nothing.

13. If you could be anywhere in the world as you are answering this, where would that be? SeaSpray Resort, Abacos Bahamas.

Nothing New

2007-09-10T03:27:00.001-05:00

life still sucks for me right now.

that is all.

Got This From BHD

2007-09-06T09:28:00.000-05:00

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

cool. 50%

what price?

2007-08-27T06:50:00.000-05:00

what price am i paying to get "healthy" (thinner)?

my psyche is....lost.

i'm tired and nauseas all the time.

i'm starting to wonder (though it is silly to wonder, since i can't go back) if i should have stayed fat and relatively happy, because i'm quite sick and very, very unhappy right now.

i start week 3 post op tomorrow. 5 more weeks, they say, until the switch flips and i feel great again.

until then, i sit here, drink my water, drink my protein, and wait.

this blog suffers

2007-08-25T16:53:00.000-05:00

i have such little energy and motivation right now, that i don't know if i can forsee keeping up with 2 blogs.

and right now, this one suffers, because everything is going into the other blog.

so...any of you "regular" readers will have to excuse me. i may have an extended absence on this blog until the focus comes off of Shrinking Me.

Havent Disappeared!!

2007-08-22T20:04:00.000-05:00

i'm just healing and haven't felt much like blogging.

miss you all!!!

Meme from AliThinks

2007-08-19T09:40:00.000-05:00

1) Who is your favorite country singer? Emmylou Harris or Lyle Lovett. I think Emmylou a bit more.

2) Wait, what were we talking about? uhrm, memes??

3) How do you feel about your neighbors? well, jim and carol to our right are great. older retired couple. they are sweet, funny, keep to themselves, travel a lot, and keep their home immaculately clean and neat. on our left, different story. can't stand them. they're retarded. we call them the clampetts. lots of stories about them. butch and darlene and their daughter jaime who is 15 but has the intellect and maturity of a 5 yr old. literally. sad.

4) Have you ever swum naked? If so, will you tell us about it? yes i have! at druidlabs east, as a matter of fact! with cathy, and possibly mike. i know we weren't sober. and i know it was at night in the summertime a couple years ago, and it felt lovely.

5) What's your favorite night spot in Pittsburgh? it no longer exists. a place called Rosebud. they had a great atmosphere, menu, live acts - very diverse, cool crowd, great prices. i think i went at least once a weekend while i lived there.

If you'd like to play, ask me to interview you in the comments. Oh, and here are the rules:

Interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

another blog

2007-08-17T11:43:00.000-05:00

i mentioned i'd start another blog tracking my weight loss success story.

i did the bare minimum, and here's the link: http://shrinkingme-rebecca.blogspot.com/

if that doesn't work, it is www.shrinkingme-rebecca.blogspot.com

i will tweak it and make it better in time. it is a busy day today. just got done taking stella to the vet, saying good bye to my godsend of a mother, who's been with me since the day before my surgery, and making an appointment to see my primary care physician - for what we think is THRUSH. - my mouth/teeth/gum pain.

so...you'll have to deal with the dull blog for now. ;)

talk to you later!

Pain?

2007-08-16T16:40:00.001-05:00

hi again.

everything went well at the dr's appt today. i'm doing great! incisions look good, and i'm progressing to pureed foods (whooopee!!) actually, this is exciting because i'm about sick of just liquids LOL

i found out the pain/discomfort feeling in my right side around/under my ribs is due to the fact that that is where most of the poking in me was done! that's where most of the work was done - through the 2 incisions on my right side. so, she said i could still have gas in there, or my liver could be swollen from being moved around etc. (EEK!) but not to worry.

the weirdest thing, and what is making being awake very irritating right now, is that my soreness of gums and painful teeth has NOTHING to do with my surgery, according to the surgeon. i find that hard to believe, since it's start coincided directly with my surgery.

i feel like my teeth are going to fall out. and in a way, i wish they would if it would make the pain stop.

i'm doing this peroxideish rinsing stuff that i got at the pharmacy - which helps a little, but not for long. this is pissing me off, though.

has anyone else had any weird mouth/teeth/gums pain after surgery??

One Week Later...

2007-08-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

hello!!

i'm feeling lots better already. i have my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow morning to give me the official word on how i'm doing. but, my mom, who has been with me since the surgery, said she is amazed at my progress.

i have been walking around, doing things for myself, getting in all my protein and liquids, resting when i need to, writing down questions for the doc....and i've lost a total of 15 lbs already. feels weird.

my 6 incisions look good and are healing great. the only discomfort i have is right under my ribs on my right side. the doc said that they had a hard time with me because i'm so high/short waisted, so they blew in a lot of gas and had to do a lot of manuevering in there to get done what was needed. my mom thinks my discomfort is just from internal swelling still, not that anything is wrong. but, that's one of the things i'll talk about with the doc tomorrow morning.

i'm excited to hopefully move on from the liquid stage to the pureed foods/soft foods stage. more choices. looking forward to it. we'll see what happens.

i'll check in and let you guys know what i hear from my surgical team tomorrow.

thanks for the support!! :)

Ouch

2007-08-09T16:08:00.000-05:00

Ouch

but, everything couldn't have gone any better, really.

it was a total clusterfuck - aside from the surgery itself - and i love my surgeon, but the rest of my experience at the hospital was fucking ridiculous and painful. the nurses were horrible and mean. their response time was unreal. i have never in my life had such a bad experience.

the good news is i'm fine. i'm healthy. the surgery was top notch and i'm now home.

awaiting my Darvon for pain and watching my 6 incisions heal. :)

thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement along the way.

it means more than you know.

Waiting Almost Over!

2007-08-04T08:41:00.000-05:00

a few updates:

last weekend H and i went to hidden valley, pa to stay at a condo belonging to my mom & dad's best friends. gorgeous place. we just wanted to get away, and we really enjoyed ourselves.

while there, we took a trek to fallingwater. man...i lived near there for 3 yrs and never got to see it. i'm glad i finally went. beautiful, magical place.

we also took a tour of nemacolin woodlands, and where i used to live - the terribly gross town of uniontown, pa. i have to tell you - it was worse than i remembered, and worse than hank imagined. i showed him where i lived - the house still looked ok, same with the yard - well cared for, etc., but no sign of my ex or mojo. they must have been inside or away. let me tell you that we couldn't get out of uniontown quick enough. SUCH a depressing area. makes lackawanna, ny or coraopolis, pa look like resort towns.

it was a lovely getaway, though. i really needed it.

when we returned, this week was all about prepping for my surgery coming up next tuesday!

yes - it is finally time. got the clearance from my primary physician, the results from my EKG, blood & urine work, chest xray etc. everything is perfect. got the go ahead from my surgical team who i saw on tuesday this week. they answered all the questions i had, but i came up with some more that i have to ask before surgery tuesday.

some people having this surgery have been on circulation machines hooked up to their legs to help prevent blood clots. as well, some were sent home with injections to prevent clots as well. neither has been mentioned to me, and i'm a little concerned about it. however, they did tell me i will be wearing special hose on my legs to make sure circulation is good and to prevent clots. nothing about any machinery hooked up to these hose, though. so we'll see.

other than that i feel very prepared and ready. my mom will come on monday afternoon. she and H's mom will accompany him in the waiting room while i have my surgery tuesday morning. my mom will be staying with us for as long as i need help. which, could be anywhere from a week to 3. no way of knowing how quickly i'll be back on my feet. this is different surgery from the lap-band surgery - more invasive and intense, and there are more incisions, though it is all done laproscopically. my mom will be with me most of the day and evening, but she will be sleeping at H's mom's place as she has a guest room and we don't. i'm a bit relieved that this is working out so easily.

i plan on making a new blog - a photo journey of my success in weight loss surgery. so i'll keep you all posted as to that link if and when it happens.

anyway - i may or may not feel like blogging afterwards for a bit, but if you think of it around 7:30 AM EST on tuesday morning, august 7 - say a prayer or send some good vibes/thoughts my way. i will certainly appreciate it more than you know.

ttfn!

Women In Art

2007-07-17T09:10:00.000-05:00

i love this. my mom sent it to me. hope you like it, too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUDIoN-_Hxs

a boring update

2007-07-11T07:35:00.000-05:00

so, finally, we have a fence and a cleaned up yard. what should have been a 4 day job took 3+ weeks due to, in my opinion, work ethic. so be it, it's done.

dogs are thrilled, loving life - it is a whole new world out there for them. AND this has almost completely taken care of the housebreaking problem. thank god.

my parents came to town for my birthday for the weekend (june 30) and we had a great time celebrating mine, my father's and my husband's birthdays. last week, H was diagnosed with walking pneumonia. the day after, i was diagnosed with asthmatic bronchitis. H is almost completely healthy. my antibiotics were only for 5 days, and yesterday i was without, and i feel like i'm getting the crud all over again. luckily, the dr called in more antibiotics for me, and the wonderful musinex d, so i hopefully will be on the mend soon. i'm sick of being sick. it is boring and annoying.

i was to start 2 classes this week at the CEPA Gallery in downtown buffalo. monday was the intro to photoshop class, and wednesday (today) the intro to digital point n shoot photography. well. i went to monday night's class. this was supposed to be for beginners. everyone else (6 people) had used photoshop before or currently uses it for work. and, there were no PCs. all Macs. i felt handicapped throughout the class - and so, after much disappointment and talking it over with H - i decided to get my money back from this class. i won't get out of it what i want to, because i'll be asking for help navigating a Mac, while trying to learn photoshop too, and the instructor doesn't have time to handhold me while keeping the other students happy at a faster pace because they know Macs and a bit about the software. i am very sad about this, but i'll get over it. i did look at community colleges and other colleges/universities in the area before i signed up for this class - but noone else was offering intro classes. so i took a chance. oh well. oh, and the intro to point and shoot digital photography class on wednesdays? it is cancelled. i was the only one who signed up for it. :(

so, i will eventually get myself Photoshop, and learn it on my own. i'm also going to try to search again for intro photography classes around. i'd been looking forward to this since march, and had to wait until june for these classes to be scheduled in july. so we'll see how long before i can jump into what i really want to as far as classes like these.

next week i'm going on thursday through sunday to cape cod to visit H's older sister Susan and her daughter and husband. not supposed to have favorites, but of H's siblings, she's the one i like the most, and is the farthest away. this is another reason why i want to get healthy quickly. i don't want to go away feeling like this, and then pass it on. plus, my surgery is coming soon, and i want to be as healthy as possible for that!

picked up a new "hobby" from my mom when she was here. embroidering with beads. it is fun. i'm still getting the hang of it, but it will definitely keep me busy while i'm recouperating from the surgery.

well, that's pretty much all that's going on in my world these days. like i said, boring. snoozefest. what can you do?

Saturday, June 30, 2007

2007-07-01T11:47:00.000-05:00

Before & After

2007-06-27T16:03:00.001-05:00

Mojo (jojo)

2007-06-20T09:05:00.000-05:00

for those of you who have known me for a while, you know that i once was married before, and once had a pug puppy named mojo.

since my divorce, i had been emailing my ex for updates on mojo. hoping for health updates and pictures, as we agreed on when i left. nothing ever happened. at least once a year i contacted him via e-mail (and yes, i had the correct e-mail as he has a side business with an e-mail address, which never changes) and never heard a peep, much to my dismay.

probably the hardest thing i've ever had to do was pack up and walk away from my puppy. he was almost a year old when i left. i couldn't say goodbye to him when i was moving out because it was just too hard and he would have been too wound up. so the last time i saw him he was upstairs in doren's home in his crate happily chewing on his bone.

over the years, i've had vivid dreams about mojo. most were good - he'd been healthy and alive, but had been ignored or passed over for other canine additions to his family...and i'd cry and cry upon waking. i never had any dreams that he was hurt or mistreated or (gulp) dying/dead. still, these dreams were so real and so full of complete images and emotions that it squeezed and wrenched my heart open each time.

yesterday, hank e-mailed my ex to let him know that we would be in the area over the last weekend in july (we're going for a holiday at my mom's best friend's condo in hidden valley, pa) and that if he had the slightest desire to let mojo go, to please let us know, we'd reimburse with money and arrange a time and meeting to pick him up.

i'm so thrilled to hear that mojo is not only alive, but healthy, happy and much loved. he will be staying where he is...but should that change, i get first dibs. i'm thrilled about this. you have no idea.

this is the response hank got from my ex:

"Hi,

I’m very sorry to hear that Rebecca has nightmares about Mojo. I understand it wasn’t an easy choice leaving him behind, but unfortunately I can’t part with him as I’m sure you would understand, not to mention that I’d probably be divorced for a 3rd time if I did! I could offer the occasional photo via email if that would help her. She has not contacted me in several years so I have never known of this anguish, but I would hope this slight offering would help in her feeling confident that he is safe and being very well cared for and loved as I’m sure Ferris is also. He, in fact, just went to the Vet again for his check-up and is perfectly healthy and just applied for a Home Again ID and lifetime license. We even discovered that he has a slightly longer nose than regular Pugs which enables him to breathe better than the average Pug. I commend your tack and respect in emailing me. I can tell you must have a great deal of respect for others, not to mention your love for Rebecca. Again I regret that we won’t be able to part with Mojo, but I hope the prospect of the occasional emailed photo would be a kind and respectful offer. I can easily send the hi-res version also so if you would like to print them they would be of excellent quality. I’m afraid that’s all I can offer, but if anything were to ever change Rebecca would be the only person I would trust in giving Mojo a home to. He even stays with my Mom & Wes (his God-Parents) when we are out of town, which he thinks is just the best thing in the world!

Hope this email reaches you guys well and look forward to your response.
Thanks,
-D"

perhaps now, i will stop dreaming about mojo, and i can rest a little easier, feel reassured, and maybe finally let go knowing that he is loved and doing fine.

still, the tears came. how could they not?

My Parents House & Mom's Gardens

2007-06-14T06:56:00.000-05:00

just a post to share some of the newest pictures from my mom who just learned how to import/attach photos in an email.

people...and peeves

2007-06-13T18:49:00.000-05:00

you know what? sometimes it isn't about you.

i have a couple friends who overreact. hell, we all overreact. but it seems to be running rampant lately.

my one friend...she's a hypochondriac. i haven't talked to her in 7 yrs on the phone when the conversation hasn't started with some account of a physical complaint. some of her ailments are real, but sometimes i wonder if most of them aren't just cries for attention. or if she's just so used to complaining, it comes natural to her, and she wouldn't have anything to talk about if she didn't complain! or, she's just crying out for attention...and figures this is the only way to get it. i don't know. i know she's under a therapists care...but sheesh.

my other friend has 2 young kids...boys. both with very large personalities at almost 2 and almost 5 and sometimes she gets overwhelmed. maybe i can't specifically relate, but we certainly can understand that. but, when she comes out with us, for coffee, dinner, whatever - adult gatherings - she brings her kids - who kind of need supervision and she doesn't realize that we're not there to babysit her kids to give her a break. we're there to all reconnect with each other - which doesn't happen often. most times, she sort of just dumps them where we are, but, doesn't really keep an eye on them. frankly, hardly pays attention to them. so...when the kids get into stuff, or get loud and one of us tries to stop the madness - she gets upset, as if we're criticizing her, when we're just saying perhaps that they should be careful, and maybe we (ok, really SHE) need(s) to pay more attention. she immediately jumps up, and leaves immediately. and suddenly, we her friends, are the bad guys because we aren't bringing our kids to adult get togethers, or we aren't taking the responsibility of watching her kids' every move!!

we know she has it hard. her husband doesn't help much. doesn't make things easy. but...i think it would behoove her to find a reliable babysitter or two, so she can have a break, and so that she can get away now and then. you know?

and then there's my hubby. whom i adore. but you look crosseyed NEAR him and he can take it the wrong way - as if i (or whomever) is commenting something negative about him. sometimes, he is soooo overly sensitive and overreacts - i hardly can breathe without doing it the wrong way. LOL. oh, but i love him. life is a real, real test sometimes.

got some peeves about me? ok. let me have 'em. LOL i can take it. i promise i won't overreact. ;)

Menu Meme

2007-06-13T07:20:00.001-05:00

i got this from the lovely emmyrose on her Missississippi Songbird blog:

Appetizer

What do you consider to be the ultimate snack food?
pizza rolls or combos cheddar cheese pretzels. I haven’t had either in about 8 months!

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 as highest), about how popular is your last name?
I’d bet mine is more than yours!! 10 absolutely.

Salad

Who is your all-time favorite sitcom character, and why?monica from friends. Because she cracks me up from her voice to her dancing – in a very similar Lucille Ball manner.

Main Course

Do you shop online? A LOT. Amazon, to jjill.com, to pier 1 etc.

Dessert
Fill in the blank:

I think ___________ should be ___________.

I think I should be an art gallery owner or museum docent.

august 7

2007-06-06T17:59:00.000-05:00

yay!!!

good news. doctor appt was fabulous. surgery date is august 7. OR sooner, if an opening/cancellation happens. but that's what i'm planning for.

cpap machine is on its way (monday) have to get used to that, but it shouldn't be bad.

i'm very, very happy about this. can't wait.

at last. i can make summer plans. thank god.

thanks to all of you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers! halfway there!!!

countdown...

2007-06-05T16:28:00.000-05:00

tomorrow.

i'm anxious.

tomorrow.

on hold

2007-05-31T17:00:00.000-05:00

so...

i don't have a lot to say these days. and i don't really know why. usually i have a lot running around in my head, and i usually can journal about it and get it off my chest. but these days, it is like beating a dead horse. the same thing in my head all the time. nothing is new. and talking about it is just boring because there is nothing to say.

i am in limbo. i am on hold. i am waiting. and i'm not the most patient person in the world.

june 6th is next week. and if i don't get good news, it is possible i may not feel like journaling about it.

i'm starting to wonder why i even blog in the first place.

Is Summer Here? Will the Shoe Drop?

2007-05-29T15:44:00.000-05:00

feels like it. i'm loving all this good weather and sunshine. and meg's pool opens next friday! i'm thrilled about that. i can't wait to get into the water and float, and maybe exercise some, too. so much easier on the feet in the water. you know?

we ate outside last night. i'll have to post some pictures of our deck now that it is mostly all set up. we just love it. so comfortable and relaxing. something i've always wanted.

we think the fence starts next week. woohoo!!
we met with a new landscaper and he'll start in 2 weeks. woohoo!!!

this all will call for more pictures, of course.

and speaking of pictures, i'm still waiting to hear from the CEPA Gallery's workships for beginner digital point & shoot, and beginner photoshop. can't wait. i hope it works out.

things are ok. life seems good. this is when i start to worry about that other shoe dropping. and i certainly hope that doesn't mean something screwy is going to happen with my surgery (meaning the possibility of no surgery). june 6 is still a week away. and, that damn shoe could drop...

whew...

2007-05-24T15:23:00.000-05:00

this has been a crazy week. well, leftover from last week.

the wedding went well and i had a great time from rehearsal dinner thru reception. got home sunday and was exhausted.

monday...geez, i forget what had to happen on that day. but i know it was a lot.
tuesday...more problems with the phone line and computer. lost all my bookmarks, photos, etc. spent hours and hours and hours on the phone between dell, netgear and verizon to no avail. spent 3 hrs at a dermatologist for teddy - the male boston terrier. nice lady. now we have new meds, new food trial etc. came home to hectic stuff at home
wednesday...errands. and more errands. and a carpet cleaner at 5:30. problem with direct tv. lovely.
thursday - hey, that's today! podiatrist. fun. laundry. dog stuff. direct tv service guy. nice. problem solved. filter for phone line with direct tv...and COMPUTER WORKS AGAIN!! apparently the DSL interference (static on the line) was causing issues with our server connection. and voila! i'm online again. hours on the phone to get landscaping estimates. can't wait.
tomorrow...having a thorough dowsing of the house. top to bottom.

long weekend - shopping for nice landscaping photos for when we get landscaping done. appointment for june 1 and 2 for consultations. the original guy has forgotten about us. perhaps shopping for a new washer and dryer.

fence comes soon!! :) happiness. should be here first or second week of june. parents coming end of june. and...june 2 is hair day, another hair day on june 5 (cut one day, color the other day) and june 6 i have my appointment with the surgeon to talk about my test results, and hopefully scheduling surgery. yay!!

yep, birthday june 30th. oh fun. one more year closer to 40.

that's my update. how're you all?

It's Cool

2007-05-09T11:33:00.000-05:00

it's cool, now.
thanks for your concern, everyone.

update: just had the house treated with an environmentally safe product to rid us of our wood bee and wasp issues.

deck is finished being treated and stained. all's well.

onto project fence!

Why???

2007-05-08T15:09:00.000-05:00

how does this happen?

i do everything correctly.

i follow even rules that are "understood".

i am grateful, i show my gratitude, i SPEAK my gratitude....

and then...this???

what the fuck?

why??

sorry, guys. no details. i can't talk about it. just needed to "vent". there is no resolution and i can give no explanation right now.

Karma and Bees

2007-05-07T11:05:00.000-05:00

so, at my favorite website - it seems as if i've been told i'm going to have some bad karma.

this is because i am having an exterminator come tonight to deal with our wasp issue in the eaves of our house, especially by the front door.....AND the wood bees who are boring dime size round holes in the decorative cedar fronting on our house.

the holes weren't there friday. and there were 12 saturday.

the wasps are finding their way into our front door.

i'm willing to take on the bad karma to save our home from these pests. i don't care how "evil" or UN-P.C. i seem.

karma, shmarma. c'mon.

Astrology & Meme Interview

2007-05-02T15:35:00.000-05:00

So, for kicks, i went to www.astrology.com.

here's what they had to say about me:

How You Approach Life And Appear To Others:

You are a gentle, sensitive person with a deep understanding of people and a very tolerant, accepting, nonjudgmental approach towards life. In a noisy, competitive atmosphere you are often receding and withdrawn for you are not an aggressive, forceful person, and you intensely dislike conflict. In fact you tend to be somewhat passive, to wait, watch, observe, feel and know much - but to act little. Letting things resolve or work themselves out in their own way, rather than directing or forcing your will upon them, is often your way of dealing with problems.

The Inner You: Your Real Motivation:

You have powerful emotional attachments to the past, your family, your childhood, those places you associate with safety and security and your beginnings. Maintaining a connection with your roots and heritage and keeping family bonds strong are very important to you. Loyal, devoted, and sentimental, you tend to cling to whatever is dear to you, be it person, familiar place, or cherished possession.

___________________________________________________________________________________

basically, i think they're right on the mark. weird.

Part II

i got a meme interview from a blogger i met from the WanderingGirl's site. her name is tish at http://chattiekat.blogspot.com/

here are her questions to me and my answers:

1. What is the most memorable day of your life and why?
October 6, 2006 - wedding day, abacos bahamas.

2. If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
To win a $200 million lottery
To have a long healthy life
For a successful surgery & post surgery

3. What is the last book you read?
Ralph's Party

4. For those of us who don't know you, how would you describe yourself?
Hmm...this is hard. probably: well intentioned, good friend, great smile, sometimes funny, loves animals, introspective, semi-outgoing, perceptive, artistic, spontaneous & impulsive.

5. What is your favorite food?
PIZZA - thin, very think crust, sauce with a mix of sweet and spicy, and mozzarella cheese (lowfat) and thin cut pepperoni.

Decision Made: No More Kitties

2007-05-02T10:24:00.000-05:00

well...after sleeping on it, we decided. sylvester is going to have to find another home.

we can't upset the dynamic that is in our home right now.

melanie's right...we have enough on our plate.

not that we wouldn't love him...not that we couldn't make it work. but, right now it wouldn't be fair to the other animals in our home. they're happy. they're loved and like the way their life is. adding another might change things and maybe not for the better.

i keep telling myself that sylvester is young and cute and will easily find another happy home.

and so that's it.

12 hrs to make a decision...

2007-05-01T20:23:00.000-05:00

i have 3 lovely 7 yr old cats. 2 spayed, 1 neutered. all indoor only kitties.

we have 2 sweet (as yet unperfectly trained) boston terriers who we love, too.

today, while stopping at a local pet supply and pet store i met a lovely 6 month old neutered male kitty, deaf in one ear. sweet as can be. all shots. fell in love instantly. he's available for adoption.

i got the go ahead from the husband to do what i want.

do i adopt this boy?

do i leave well enough alone?

i'm very torn and need help deciding. i need to make a decision by 10 am tomorrow morning. 5/2.

HELP!!

thoughts

2007-05-01T16:46:00.000-05:00

it has been a back and forth couple of weeks, moodswing wise. yeah, i've been a-swinging.

doing great on the diet.

doing great on the motivation.

spent some time yesterday and last night and today with my friend who's getting married this month. i'm feeling a lot better about things between us. and i'm really going to miss her when she moves. i am going to try to be as available as possible for whatever she needs these next couple weeks.

so there's that.

so, things are ok.

but, i have been feeling helpless about helping a friend of mine. granted, we've never met in person, but i still feel like we're friends. she's going through a hard time right now, trying to make a serious decision about her life that doesn't only involve her, but several other people. it is hard to feel so responsible for others' happiness. that your decision may cause some changes to an important relationship. or that if you make the other decision, it may harm another relationship, just as important to you. i've been thinking about this a lot recently and wishing i had a better way of helping her.

and, i miss my parents. weird. never thought i'd say that.

there's other things going on in my head that i'm just not ready or able to talk about right now. either for lack of words, or for reluctance to share.

as much as you have sometimes, is it fair to feel like you want more, but you're not sure what that "more" is or means?? maybe "more" really means "something else". not really more at all.

maybe i don't know what i'm talking about.

Nightswimming

2007-04-23T14:40:00.000-05:00

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night
The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago,
Turned around backwards so the windshield shows
Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse
Still, it's so much clearer
I forgot my shirt at the water's edge
The moon is low tonight

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night
I'm not sure all these people understand
It's not like years ago,
The fear of getting caught,
Of recklessness and water
They cannot see me naked
These things, they go away,
Replaced by everyday

Nightswimming, remembering that night
September's coming soon
I'm pining for the moon
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit
Around the fairest sun?
That bright, tight forever drum
Could not describe nightswimming

You, I thought I knew you
You, I cannot judge
You, I thought you knew me,
This one laughing quietly underneath my breath
Nightswimming

The photograph reflects,
Every streetlight a reminder
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night...

********
such a beautiful song. in a way, i call it perfect. the lyrics go so well with the music, and the music makes me feel the lyrics. and the mood is perfect.

every time i hear this song i think of someone.
almost 9 years ago we met.
i was new to the internet. and just healing after a bad breakup - the worst i had experienced, ever. i lost myself. but, i was finding myself again. i began doing things and going places again. taking chances. i had been going to a bunch of shows of my favorite band, the afghan whigs, as they just came out with their new (and last) cd. i drove to cleveland, d.c., nyc, chicago, cinncinnati, d.c. again, penn state...all to see this band. sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself. i met this guy during an aol search for people who had "afghan whigs" in their aol profile - because i was looking for someone who had been to that first d.c. show so i could get a set list. i e-mailed a bunch of people that i found in my search. and one person replied. he was witty, well spoken (ok, well typed) and i could tell he was educated. he had a great sense of humor - and he lived in my state! it was a quick friendship that happened through emails. lots of great banter - back and forth quoting favorite movies - and just getting to know each other - and finding that we had so much in common. so much. in a way, i felt like i hit the lottery, because he was single! and only a couple hours away. long story short...we met, we had fun. we had more fun. we had lots of fun. and i was hooked. i pushed...and it didn't work out. he wasn't ready, and maybe i wasn't all that i thought he was to me, to him. (plainly, i wasn't another person that he couldn't forget.) this happens in life. however...man. it hurt. through that, i learned a lot. i have lovely memories. and we both have moved on. to better places. we're both happy in those places. and i'm happy for him. he's a success as i knew he would be - he already was, but i sense in him a contentment i hadn't sensed in years. yet, he's still who he was. yes, we kept in touch. we e-mail every now and then about music, or movies or what have you.

so much music we had in common. (i hear jeff buckley's last goodbye and...well.) so much music we enjoyed together. so much music i learned from him. and now, when i hear that music, i think of him fondly. and that short (magical to me) time i hold dear. and i smile.

i hope sometimes he hears some song and thinks of me. how could he not?

Nightswimming...
Deserves a quiet night
The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago...
...I'm not sure all these people understand
It's not like years ago...
...These things, they go away,
Replaced by everyday...

...Nightswimming,
remembering that night...

...You, I thought I knew you
You, I cannot judge
You, I thought you knew me,
This one laughing quietly underneath my breath
Nightswimming

The photograph reflects,
Every streetlight a reminder
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night...

Nightswimming

RESULTS!!!

2007-04-20T12:59:00.000-05:00

so today i met with the dietician (or is it dietitian?) and guess what??

I LOST 8 LBS IN LESS THAN 3 WEEKS!!!! (ok, so i gained 2 lbs water weight...so it WOULD have been 10lbs total, but oh well, i'll take it!)

and i was wrong. i cannot stay on phase 1 of south beach for more than 2 wks. i have to start phase 2, immediately.

so...this means adding some fruit and some whole grain carbs into the diet. and that makes me excited.

so...the rest of today? i have to go take teddy (and stella to get checked over) back to the vet to get his skin issue checked out. i started the weaning off of the steroid, and, he's started scratching again...so, i'm not pleased but i'm sure the doctor will say what's what.

i hope the good news on a friday continues.

Classmates, etc.

2007-04-18T11:09:00.000-05:00

so a month or so ago, i decided to join classmates.com. but, i didn't want to pay for the full membership. all the sudden, i got an email from someone on the site, and couldn't retrieve it until i joined fully. so i did. i have reconnected with a peripheral (meaning, we weren't really close in high school, but i've known him all my early school years) friend who is in thailand in the military and has been in the army for about 17 years. it was really nice to reconnect with him. as much as we change, i find that we also stay the same at the core. this was a really nice surprise. so, i took a chance and wrote to 3 other people on the site...and we'll see what happens. none of my really good friends from school are on (but then again, i kept in touch with those i was close with, and don't really need classmates.com for this) but it sure is an interesting experience.

other than that...i think i have a laptop issue. i can't get my computer to connect to the server every time i turn it on. i have to reboot, restart the modem...yadda, yadda, yadda, almost every time i want to get online. it has been VERY annoying to say the least.

we have spybot and virus protection. both are working. unfortunately, something else is amiss and it is pissing me off.

anyway...yesterday i went to the pet supply store to get some nylabones for the dogs and a new bed. this is a privately owned store that has a range of things for every pet imaginable. they also have w in-store living kitties, very sweet, and a ton of different colorful birds, not for sale. often, they do have bunnies, ferrets, guinea pigs etc for sale. yesterday, they had two sweet rat terrier 9 wk old puppies. so sweet. stole my heart. sigh. i'll never get another terrier again, but boy did they respond to me and they were the cutest things ever. sigh.

we're quite happy with the puppies (i guess they're dogs now) and the 3 kitties. but man...i'm a sucker. and i want a new kitten so badly. it isn't going to happen, but it is fun to dream.

still doing great on the south beach (only bent my will twice in the 3 weeks i've been on it) don't know what i've lost, but i feel good. and, i love swordfish and tilapia!!! i have the appointment with the dietician on friday. so i'll find out then. i still have some lab work to get done, the psych evaluation, and i have to step up the exercise. next appointment is with the actual surgeon on june 6 where he rates my progress and all my testing, goes over it all with me, and hopefully schedules my surgery. we'll see what happens.

other than that, we're gearing up for a new fence for the back yard (YAY! puppies are going to go nuts!) and getting the deck done. and i bought a bunch of bins last week so i can store my seasonal clothes, and put away all the CLUTTER that has been lying around our house and garage. we have this pristine half basement that we will put things in, once they are stored properly. finally, putting it to use, and giving us MORE ROOM in the house that has so little storage.

well...that's my update. hope it didn't bore you to tears!

What Kind Of Flower Are You?

2007-04-16T18:50:00.000-05:00

This is What Kind Of Flower You Are

I am a
Sunflower

What Flower
Are You?

You Are a Sunflower
"When your friends think smile, they think of you. There is not a day that goes by that you can't find something good about the world and your fellow human."

Save Internet Radio - PLEASE

2007-04-16T18:33:00.001-05:00

http://capwiz.com/saveinternetradio/home/

Annoyed, But Not Knowing What To Do With It.

2007-04-11T15:35:00.000-05:00

are you allowed to vent on your own blog??

i am trying to do something special and nice for a friend of mine. i've put a lot of time and effort into planning this event, and...all i get is complaints.

"not enough people are coming...boo hoo hoo..."
"i always get the shaft..."
"nobody realizes how important this is to me..."
"this is stressing me out..."
"i can't understand why this is a big deal..."
"this is just too much for me to deal with right now..."

fine. some of the things aren't directed at me. but some are.

i'm feeling very unappreciated.

and on top of that - how hard is it to RSVP?

regrets only means RSVP if you're not coming. BUT RSVP means RSVP - coming or not.
i don't understand why people can't do this. i don't get why some are so flaky, clueless and inconsiderate.

i am trying to make this thing nice for my friend. obviously, she's hard to please and everything is about her right now.

granted, most of the time EVERYTHING is about her. she hasn't asked about my recent trip to the west coast, hasn't inquired - or taken an interest in/about my health or what's going on in my life in probably over 6 months or more (which i should be used to because i'm now noticing that this is typical and has been for years and years, and even when there are initiated phone calls - it is always about her first, complaint after complaint or whatever, and if there's time, she might ask about me), and i've been in my new house for a year, and she's only come to visit once, about a month after we moved in. and there was something else related to my getting married last year that happened (or more appropriately, DIDN'T happen) but all this is not related to my annoyance of late...or is it???

i know i have to suck up my current annoyance, get things done and get through this...almost like, get it over with, and then sigh with relief.

and as i'm writing this i'm remembering that she does send cards to me on almost every holiday or for no reason...so i don't go completely disregarded. but ARRRRGH!! i find myself asking myself over and over and over recently "why am i doing this??" and i don't like my reason. my reason for doing it shouldn't be the reason. but it is.

GUH.

i'm just not sure what to do with these feelings right now except write them down here...

i think that's why i started the blog in the first place. to get things more clear in my own head by writing them down. usually it helps. perhaps this time it will, too.

Happy Easter & Phenomenon

2007-04-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

i'm watching the movie Phenomenon this morning, easter morning, and i'm surprised again at how much it warms my heart, makes me think and reminds me of a story of jesus (yes, in a weird way, i know).

interesting comments about it on imdb.

is it a story about scientology? or jesus?

heartwarming, anyway.

Update

2007-04-06T17:56:00.000-05:00

so, today is day 5 on my version of the south beach diet.

no cheating.

doing really well.

decided...i really like fish a lot. i mean, i knew i liked fish fry, but this is different. grilled, flaky, garlic and lemony fish. yummy yummy yummy.

i'm still feeling like i'm missing carbs...but not so bad that i've cheated or felt like cheating. carbs are my downfall. it was mostly what got me where i am. so, i'm chugging along. not feeling like i'm being perfect, taking one day at a time.

i probably won't be talking about it a lot because i think it is boring to talk about and i also don't want to jinx myself. so, i won't be blogging about it anymore until there is something major to talk about in my weightloss journey.

thanks for the well wishes and the encouragement. it means a lot!

happy easter to everyone! eat some chocolate for me!!!

I Smelled A Llama Because That's How I Roll

2007-04-05T13:30:00.000-05:00

i took this from Mike's blog - and he got it on an e-mail. so...that's the format it is in. in your comments, write your sentence after following the directions:

This is TOO funny

Pick the month you were born:

January------I kicked
February-----I loved
March---------I karate chopped
April--- --------I licked
May-----------I jumped on
June----------I smelled
July-----------I did the Macarena With
August-------I had lunch with
September---I danced with
October------I sang to
November----I yelled at
December----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1- ------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4- ------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15 -------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18---- ---a spoon
19------- a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a surfer
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White--------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll
Pink----------because I'm NOT crazy
Red----------because the voices told me to
Blue----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help
Purple--------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange -------becaus e my family thinks I'm stupid anyway
Brown--------because I can.
Other---------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself

Now type out the sentence you made, in the comments!

MMMM

2007-04-02T18:55:00.000-05:00

day one was TASTY!!!

the quiche cups for breakfast (egg beaters, spinach, green pepper, onion) were tasty - only one change - i have to get muffin cups to make it easier to get them out of the muffin tins. heh!

morning snack? 1 piece of lowfat part skim string mozzarella cheese. mmmmmm.

lunch of grilled chicken breast, romaine lettuce with 2 tsp balsamic, and for dessert, sugarfree raspberry gelatin! oh mmmmm!!

i had some celery sticks for mid-afternoon snack. forgot how much i like the crunch of celery.

dinner was really interesting:
grilled asparagus
tossed salad with cuckes, cherry tomatos
and....grilled TILAPIA (sp?) in lemon, olive oil, garlic, and rosemary.
my GOSH this was TASTY!! i had no idea. i've never had tilapia before.
color me a fan.

and i'm cool with dessert - weight watcher frozen fudge bar. mmmm.

all in all. day one. success!

this may be better/easier than i thought!

a new start

2007-04-01T21:01:00.000-05:00

so, tomorrow, april 2 i start the south beach diet officially.
today we spent time shopping and preparing stuff for the oncoming week. i will be cooking for both of us - something i didn't have much confidence in before - especially with chef H in the house. but i'm excited about it.

i've got my vitamins, calcium and protien supplements and logs ready for both meal plans and exercise. walking along with curves and some other small weight training at home.

as far as the pre-work for the surgery that still has to be done, i have testing to do yet, and the psych eval. but that's pretty much it!

i've been doing a lot of visualization lately. i feel like i'm in a good place.

i have a lot to be thankful for.

still here

2007-03-27T10:08:00.000-05:00

hello.

haven't felt like writing much lately. been very, very tired. but, i believe spring has sprung. and that makes me feel better. of course, here in buffalo, we can never rule out winter coming back sometime before the end of april...so i'm not holding my breath.

tomorrow, i go to a sleep center and get tested for apnea or whatever. have to be there from 9 PM thru 5:30 AM. never done this so it will be weird. but this is all part of the testing i have to have done before june, my appointment with the surgeon.

still, more to talk about with all that but i don't feel like it just yet.

hope you all are well!!

The Beck Is Back

2007-03-23T06:21:00.000-05:00

hello everyone!

(btw, post title is from my childhood. Mr. Hamill always said that as an announcement at his door whenever i went to visit his family at their home a block from mine when i was a kid.)

i am back from a WONDERFUL trip to Port Townsend, WA with a small side trip to Seattle, WA.

i will blog more extensively about it soon, but today is rather packed so this entry will be brief.

LOVED it. happy to be home.

learned a lot about photography from resident photographer, Mike and guest professional photographer, Mark. trick for me is taking my camera EVERYWHERE now, and also taking LOTS of shots. i found that snapping shot after shot even with my canon powershot camera (takes grand pictures, by the way) that i can get a few really nice shots overall. i need to master this one before i move on to a "better" camera with more zooming capabilities etc. i also have plans to take some classes in digital photography and photoshop.

have also been inspired to start painting again. we will see how that goes. no pressure, right?

ok, i'm off for now. here's a couple shots to enjoy in the meantime.

Farewell!

2007-03-13T14:16:00.000-05:00

i haven't been blogging much lately - just have had a lot on my mind that i haven't been really comfortable blogging about.

maybe i will sometime soon.

but, for now i thought i'd tell you that i'm very excited about my trip tomorrow to port townsend, washington to see some dear friends - mike and cathy (cathy of blueherondruid) whom i have not seen in almost 3 yrs. sheesh.

lots of stress in my house in regard to my trip, and some other things...but i hope that will fade with time.

i hate stress. it stresses me out, and makes me question myself, my choices, the validity of my feelings, and lord knows what else it does to me.

anyway...i will talk to you all when i return after thursday of next week.

you all be safe and good to each other!!

My Visual DNA Widget

2007-03-07T17:28:00.000-05:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

so, i got this from The Wandering Girl - A Cat A Dog & A Girl In Fabulous Shoes blog. it was fun. try it out for yourself!

YOU CAN HELP

2007-03-06T11:32:00.000-05:00

i stole this idea from cathy's blog. (blueherondruid at druidlabs)

please read the petition here http://www.petitiononline.com/SIR2007r/petition.html and sign it. this means more to me than i can express in words here.

please help us.

Bad News

2007-03-05T21:47:00.001-05:00

please go to this link and read.

http://www.saveourinternetradio.com/2007/03/04/the-view-from-paradise/

RIAA RUBBISH - MAKE IT STOP

2007-03-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

this new information from www.radioparadise.com 's creator & d.j. is very troubling to me. it is personal. radioparadise changed my life. helped me when i was in a bad marriage, helped me be OK alone afterwards, has added some wonderful friendships to my life and the MUSIC, oh, the music...

please take the time to read the following. i'm not sure yet what to do to help the fight, but i can't sit around knwoing this and not do anything.

"The US Copyright Office has released their new set of rates for the payment of royalties by Internet Radio, and they ignored all of the facts presented by webcasters (including RP) and gave the record industry exactly what they asked for: royalty rates so high that they will put RP and every other independent webcaster out of business. See Kurt Hanson's newsletter for 3/2/07 for the details on how the rates work and what they will mean to stations like RP. You can participate in the discussion about this issue in our Listener Forum.

For some time, we've suffered with a system where we pay a large chunk (10%-12%) of our income to the Big 5 record companies - while FM stations and radio conglomerates like Clear Channel pay nothing. Now they want even more. In our case, an amount equal to 125% of our income. Our only hope is to create as much public awareness and outrage about this staggeringly unfair situation as possible. Neither the record industry nor Congress are ready to listen to us at this point. But members of the media may well be, and we need to get their attention.

If you have a blog, write about it. Feel free to quote anything I've written in the Listener Forum. If you find a good blog post about the subject, Digg it or Slashdot it. If you work for a media outlet, look over the facts of the situation and see if you don't feel the same sense of outrage that we do. Write a letter to the editor of your favorite magazine or newspaper. Let everyone you can know what a loss it would be to you personally if your favorite Internet radio stations, including RP, were no longer available.

The RIAA can, at any time, agree to strike a deal with independent webcasters to allow us to pay a more realistic royalty, one based on a percentage of our income. We're hoping that if all of you make enough noise they'll be more inclined to do so. We'd also like to hope that at least one member of Congress will take a look at this situation and become willing to propose amendments to the deeply flawed 1990s pieces of legislation that are responsible for the unfair treatment of Internet radio.

Thanks a lot for reading this, and for considering the idea of taking some action on it. We'll be posting new information and links here as they become available."

www.radioparadise.com will be posting updates as more happens.

What A Week

2007-02-23T17:49:00.000-05:00

today, we took fuzzy kitty to the vet. it was time for her rabies shot, and i wanted some "sores" around her ruff looked at. turns out, she has allergies. they gave her a steroid shot and antibiotic. and an antibiotic i have to give her by mouth for a week....oh this will be fun. they also shaved a big mat from her chest area. she is SOOO HAPPY right now. binking around the house and purring. she's such a happy kitty.

teddy is fine. he has no memory of the surgery and doesn't know he's still recovering. YAY!!

and, on top of that, the stress H has been having at work for 3 wks is now over. issue resolved and everything is hunky dory again.

i am feeling less stressed because of all of this.

now, if my plantars fasciitis would calm down a bit....i'd be thrilled.

and guess what? it's hair day tomorrow!!

Poor Teddy

2007-02-21T13:29:00.000-05:00

Finally, we had Teddy, our male Boston Terrier, neutered yesterday. He's very sad right now and doesn't understand why he's in pain. I'm doing my best to keep them both (he and his sister, Stella) quiet - which is a feat...but mostly he just wants to lay on his sister. He's sweet. I'm happy she's cooperating. But, I still feel guilty about his pain. We do have meds that we're giving him every 12 hrs. I hope it helps.

I know it was the right thing to do...but, I hate that he feels pain and there's not much I can do.

Here's a picture of my baby...not a good one because they won't sit still for pictures.

AND I know why I dreamt the other day...

2007-02-19T19:08:00.000-05:00

so, those of you who know me, know i'm severely addicted to the soap opera, The Young and The Restless, and have been since i was in junior high. i don't care what people say, and yes, i know soaps have bad reps and some soap actors have reputations for not being actors...but, i don't care. i love this soap opera and i always will.

anyway, there is a new character, not a main character, but a character never the less, who looks like my friend COLIN who i dreamt of the other day. same eyes, same dimples, same mouth, nose, expressions...interesting.

granted, i haven't seen colin since he turned 23 or so, but he looked a bit like this guy, but a more preppy and clean cut version of this guy

this is the only reason i can think of that i've dreamt of colin or even thought of him lately. my subconscious remembered him before i recognized the likeness. and anyway, if anyone does any google searching and can find his e-mail address (he's in NYC) i'd appreciate it because i can't find him. and admittedly, i suck at google searches...ok, and other searches. yep, i suck.

enjoy the eye-candy, though! LOL

Shoes, and more shoes

2007-02-19T18:28:00.000-05:00

the wandering girl inspired me. i've been looking at shoes lately. lots of shoes. and, mostly my thing is red shoes or black shoes. so, in dreaming of summer, and warmer weather, even fall, just snowless weather, i give you shoes i like, and maybe someday i may own a pair of one of the following shoes

Nuts

2007-02-17T12:11:00.001-05:00

i think Robert Goulet came and messed with my stuff.

Reasons

2007-02-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

why i admire ali:

1.) she's frighteningly intelligent
2.) she's a wonderful mother
3.) she can speak fluently in english and french
4.) she is a grammar and punctuation whiz!
5.) she's incredibly creative
6.) she's a talented photographer
7.) she's courageous
8.) she's got a fabulous sense of style and flair all her own
9.) she's kind and gentle
10.) she's funny
11.) she's embraces technology and knows her stuff
12.) she's a great writer
13.) she's the coolest
14.) she's more than all these things but i can't think of more adjectives right now.

happy journey, ali! i wish you closure and a safe trip!

Another Day

2007-02-14T10:18:00.000-05:00

well, it is hard to see what kind of snow we got as far as inches...because it is blowing in drifts. very, very cold. many schools and businesses are closed.

things are stressful here today. don't have much to write about.

i hope you all have a happy valentines day!

FRRRRGGGHH

2007-02-13T13:59:00.000-05:00

i'm stressed.

i thought today was going to be a good day. got up, no headache! fed dogs and cats, ironed for H and drove him to work (saab was still in the shop. just got it back an hour ago) came home and showered, went to the town building DMV and got my new driver's license in my married name. came home, changed, got the dogs settled in the garage with some heaters (for me, too) and chewies for them, my laptop and sat down to read some blogs i visit daily.

got a call from H. wanted me to come pick him up, his boss wants him to leave.

H wouldn't get into it on the phone, so my mind was racing for the 25 minute drive to get him.

he's not fired, he didn't quit. he messed up but good and his boss is angry with him. H sometimes exaggerates, but the stress level at his job is ridiculous and mostly because his boss, the owner of the company, doesn't know how to deal with HIS stress, heaps it on H, and basically doesn't treat him very well a lot of the time.

H is very good at his job. this is a new (past 4 yrs) career for H as he used to be a chef/in the restaurant business and had to find a new career because of his diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis. he got out to find a less stressful career. HA!

H makes fantastic money, and most of it is commission based.

does he stay and suck it up? or, does he try to get out of the 2 year non-compete clause he signed (he really believes his boss will let him out of it, i, on the other hand, am not so sure) and go to one of the other companies in his business who call him weekly to try to recruit him to their company?

H has a lot of pride, and that gets in the way a lot. H sometimes can be his own worst enemy in all aspects of his life. H gets in his own way a lot of the time. But, H is a good man, a warm, loving, gentle soul, a doer most of the time. But H has mood swings - sometimes because of the diabetes, sometimes because of situations, and sometimes just because. H doesn't have any outlet for his anger and stress and sometimes i get the brunt of it (just verbally letting stress out, or sometimes just coldness) even though he tries not to let that happen. H is very sensitive. very sensitive. H feels like less of a man sometimes because of his diseases...and it does a number on his self-esteem and it overflows onto all aspects of his life. so, right now i find myself not able to voice MY stress of this whole situation because i have to keep it together for him.

to be certain, i back him 100% on whatever decision he makes.

but right now i'm not allowed to be visibly or verbally worried about this situation, because that will give him more stress...and he'll explode. i need to be his rock, as i usually am, and i need to suck it up and let him go through his paces and figure this out. i can be a sounding board, offer my opinions and suggestions as he thinks about his next step...but i have to be smart about it or the house of cards is going to fall in my lap.

i know my role in our lives is to be the caretaker, the supporter, the rock, the fixer, the nurturer, the calmer, the cheerleader and the mess cleaner-upper.

right now, i'm not feeling good about any of that. and i'm wondering how i'm going to get through this day without bursting a gasket of my own.

**UPDATE**
H has thought about it, talked to the office, and is going in tomorrow - keeping the status quo there. he thinks it is the right thing to do for us right now. and said that he needs to do this and suck it up and not let his pride get in the way. :)

therapist appointment was good, very helpful. she told me that cyclical things go both ways. they go upward as well as downward. we talked about some other things which were very helpful, very helpful...and i plan on following her advice.

Why Do We Dream Certain Dreams?

2007-02-13T08:44:00.000-05:00

i woke up this morning after a very pleasant dream. one that i wanted to go back to desperately. it was like a story playing out in my dream-land, one that i wanted to continue and see what happened in the end. but of course the alarm clock went off and i had to get up to take H to work today since his car is in the shop.

i am wondering why we dream the dreams we dream. especially when someone appears in your dream who you haven't thought about in over 20 years. maybe more. i'd love to find out why that happens out of the blue. and especially what certain things mean in dreams.

last night, i dreamt about colin, a friend of mine from high school. he went to the private school in my neighborhood, and i went to the public school, but the public and private schools often interacted, so i knew a lot of the people at the private school. we interacted at first at ballroom dancing classes at the local country club when we were in junior high. we became friends. in fact, we dated off and on. but mostly we were friends. nothing ever romantically serious developed between us, but there was always an attraction, and a good friendship. he went off to tulane for college and i don't remember seeing him after that except once or twice around the holidays when we were in the early years in college.

so...there he was in my dream. we were in our early twenties. i, of course, looked great (i.e. wasn't overweight, beautiful hair and skin...etc.) but i was still me. i can't verbalize what the location was - but it was some kind of...group retreat in a wooded, cabin area. not sure of the purpose, but apparently that wasn't important. i was sitting in a grassy area, shaving my legs (???) and thinking to myself "i hope no one sees me or cares that i'm shaving my legs." and of course, someone did. colin ( a 6'5", dark haired, good looking, very preppy guy with a voice to die for...) and his friends showed up - but me shaving my legs wasn't an issue, wasn't weird, just seemed normal. they had to go somewhere, but colin came back in a few minutes when i was done. i remember he and i talking about his family, his mother and sisters. and sort of catching up, though it felt like it wasn't necessary to catch up because it wasn't like i had just seen him for the first time in years. obviously we'd interacted on a constant basis up to that point. anyway, i don't really remember what happened. but i do remember the feeling of rekindled romance, and happiness to have rediscovered a friendship and a commitment to it - on both my side and his - when i woke up. so of course, upon waking, i'm thinking of colin and wondering what he's up to now. and most of all, i'm wondering WHY? why now? why colin? what does it mean?

i'm not feeling like "oh, i wish i was with colin now" or feeling unhappy about my marriage or anything like that - on the contrary, i'm very happy with H. but, i do have this feeling that is hard to describe. like, i'd love to see colin again, spend time with him. hear his voice again. get that bond back. yet i know i'm not going to do that. i'm not going to spend money on an online search to find his address and phone number and contact him. i'd feel weird doing that, H wouldn't like it, and i'm not sure colin wouldn't think it was totally weird.

i associate specific music with colin. he was a wonderful pianist. we shared a love of joe jackson, elvis costello, billy joel...and a love of the movie the big chill. i associate a time of my life with him. a certain feeling i felt then. of being...attractive, young, interesting, cool and special. this was all before any of my depression started. i was undamaged. and, i felt special. he seeked out my company.

did this dream and the resulting feeling come to me because i want someone to seek out my company?? i want someone to tell me why i'm special, me in particular, to them? what makes me important in their lives? that i'm not just around because i'm convenient, but that i'm around because i am filling some need in someone's life (aside from H's)? or that i'm wanted for certain reasons in someone elses life? am i lamenting days gone by for some reason?

i really wish i understood.

maybe my friend in WA can help me get to the root of this dream. i'll ask her later today.

anyway...i have a therapy appointment today that i'm very much looking forward to attending. i really like my new therapist. young girl, new to the profession, but i like her. this will be my second visit to her.

in a bit, i'm getting ready to go back to the town hall to get my driver's license since i got my new social security card in the mail yesterday. YAY!!

we're going to experience big snowfall this evening through wednesday evening. predicting a total of 18 inches possible. just when we're actually able to see the streets clear of snow. and on the radio they say it's still 2 feet less snowfall than normal in our area. hard to believe.

well...i hope all of you have a lovely tuesday.

New Headache

2007-02-12T08:12:00.000-05:00

yep, woke up again with a headache. trying to figure out what this means.

anyway....i'm thrilled about the police reuniting last night on the Grammy's. i enjoyed the Gnarls Barkley tune a lot, too. didn't stay up for much more of it.

have a lot to do at home today - cleaning the bathroom, washing the kitchen floor.

happy Monday everyone!

Headache

2007-02-11T07:48:00.000-05:00

i woke up early, as i always do - damn body clock or dogs to blame, not sure which went off first.

but, i woke up with a killer headache. i am hoping this passes soon.

we got the driveway plowed yesterday, and have a contract with the guy now that he'll come every time there is a 6 inch snowfall and will bill us at the end of the season. this is a much better deal than us forking up $800-$900 for a snowblower. very, very reasonable contract and we found him in the Pennysaver. i love the pennysaver - if you don't have one in your area, it is like a local little newspaper - just with advertisements for local businesses, classifieds etc. i've used this more than i can say with great results.

this means my car is finally dug out of the snow that it has been buried in since last saturday night. i would be mobile, but we had to take H's saab in for some work yesterday, and we won't have it back until possibly tuesday. oh well.

dogs are getting very restless and bored. i'm really hoping that this week we can take them to the daycare/school for a little exercise and interaction time. i know they miss it, big time. we do as much as we can for them at home - lots of play-time in the garage and kitchen with us (they don't like the snow outside, which is a problem for walking them) but it isn't enough for these babies.

i'm getting excited that my trip to Port Townsend, WA is coming up in about a month. not only will i get to see my dear friends mike and cathy, but i think my visit is overlapping with a couple more RP'ers, Buzz and Jrzy. i'm looking forward to seeing them and talking to buzz about macro photography.

i've ordered a couple books that should be here this week - on macro photography, and i want to read up on it before we make any new camera and macro lens purchases.

i think my headache is subsiding, so i'm going to go back to the book i was reading.

hope all of you have had a nice weekend.

YAY!!

2007-02-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

SOCKS!!

Creativity

2007-02-08T17:16:00.000-05:00

i had a conversation this morning with someone who sent me this wonderful article. it is really something i need to remember, and put into practice, especially now at this time of my life.

here's the article:

It's never too late to create; Creativity is not the domain of youth; some innovators get there through trial and error.

By David W. Galenson and Joshua Kotin,

AT 76, CLINT EASTWOOD is making the best films of his career. "Letters from Iwo Jima" has been nominated for four Academy Awards — including best picture and best director. ("Flags of Our Fathers," which Eastwood also directed last year, received two nominations.) New York Times' film critic A.O. Scott recently named him "the greatest living American filmmaker." Such accolades are the latest development in Eastwood's creative ascension. Two years ago, his "Million Dollar Baby" won best picture and best director, a repeat of his success with "Unforgiven" at age 62 — his first Oscar after making movies for more than 20 years.

Sculptor Louise Bourgeois is 95. Later this year, she will be honored with a retrospective at Londons Tate Modern museum. Last November, her "Spider," a sculpture she made at the age of 87, sold at auction for more than $4 million, the highest price ever paid for her work and among the highest ever paid for the work of a living sculptor.

Is such creativity in old age rare? Eastwood and Bourgeois often are considered anomalies. Yet such career arcs — gradual improvements culminating in late achievements — account for many of the most important contributions to the arts. That our society does not generally recognize this fact suggests that we're missing a key concept about creativity.

We often presume creativity is the domain of youth, that great artists are young geniuses, brash and brilliant iconoclasts. Arthur Rimbaud, Pablo Picasso, T.S. Eliot, Orson Welles, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Jasper Johns all revolutionized their artistic disciplines in their teens or 20s. (Picasso, for example, created the first cubist paintings at 25, and Welles made "Citizen Kane" at 25.) These artists made dramatic, inspired discoveries based on important new ideas, which they often encapsulated in individual masterpieces.

But there's another path to artistic success, one that doesn't rely on sudden flashes of insight but on the trial-and-error accumulation of knowledge that ultimately leads to novel manifestations of wisdom and judgment. This is Eastwood's and Bourgeois' path — and it was the path for a host of other artists: Titian and Rembrandt, Monet and Rodin, Frank Lloyd Wright and Le Corbusier, Mark Twain and Henry James, Robert Frost and Elizabeth Bishop, to name a few. (Twain wrote Tom Sawyer at 41 and bettered it with Huckleberry Finn at 50; Wright completed Fallingwater at 72 and worked on the Guggenheim Museum until his death at 91.)

Paul Cézanne is the archetype of this kind of experimental innovator. After failing the entrance exam for the prestigious École des Beaux-Arts, he left Paris frustrated by his inability to compete with the precocious young artists who congregated in the city's cafes. He formulated his artistic goal, of bringing solidity to Impressionism, only after the age of 30, then spent more than three decades in seclusion in his home in Aix, painstakingly developing his mature style trying to represent the beauty of his native Provence. Finally, in his 60s, he created the masterpieces that influenced every important artist of the next generation.

Frost also matured slowly. He dropped out of Dartmouth and then Harvard, and in his late 20s moved to a farm in rural New Hampshire. His poetic goal was to capture what he called the sound of sense, the words and cadence of his neighbors' speech. He published his most famous poem, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, at 49.

At 63, Frost reflected that although young people have sudden flashes of insight, it is later in the dark of life that you see forms, constellations. And it is the constellations that are philosophy.

These two creative life cycles stem from differences in both goals and methods. Conceptual innovators aim to express new ideas or particular emotions. Their confidence and certainty allow them to achieve this quickly, often by radically breaking rules of disciplines they have just entered. In contrast, experimental innovators try to describe what they see or hear. Their careers are quests for styles that capture the complexity and richness of the world they live in.

The cost of ignoring Cézanne's example is tremendous — and not only for the arts. Our society prefers the simplicity and clarity of conceptual innovation in scholarship and business as well. Yet the conceptual Bill Gateses of the business world do not make the experimental Warren Buffetts less important. Recognizing important experimental work can be difficult; these contributions don't always come all at once. Experimental innovators often begin inauspiciously, so it's also dangerously easy to parlay judgments about early work into assumptions about entire careers.

But perhaps the most important lesson is for experimental innovators themselves: Don't give up. There's time to do game-changing work after 30. Great innovators bloom in their 30s (Jackson Pollock), 40s (Virginia Woolf), 50s (Fyodor Dostoevsky), 60s (Cézanne), 70s (Eastwood) and 80s (Bourgeois).

Who knows how many potential Cézannes we are currently losing? What if Eastwood had stopped directing at 52, after the critical failure of "Firefox," his 1982 film about a fighter pilot who steals a Soviet aircraft equipped with thought-controlled weapons?

Socks

2007-02-07T13:01:00.000-05:00

i spoke in passing to ali from alithinks a couple days ago and it prompted a purchase that i've been meaning to do for some time.

why is it that i always forget about socks? i have a lot of athletic socks for curves to wear with my sneaks, and trouser socks to wear with slacks to the office (which i don't need to wear anymore since i don't go to an office any longer.) but i have never had reasonable socks to wear with jeans or pants or whatever casual wear. i just never purchased any.

i looked online for decent, lowpriced socks that weren't too novelty-ish but fun.

i hit the motherload at absolutesocks.com.

ladies fashion knee socks at 20% off. woohoo!!! i should get about 7 pair in the mail in about 2 wks or less. YAY.

who gets this excited about socks?

yeah, i guess being snowed in is starting to affect me. the good news is that the sun is out! maybe some of this madness will melt.

More Snow pictures

2007-02-05T12:41:00.000-05:00

these just taken a few minutes ago. the last one here is of our grill (covered) on our back deck.

It Snows In Buffalo

2007-02-05T11:09:00.000-05:00

it sure is pretty, isn't it? this view is from inside our garage looking out to our yard yesterday evening. if you notice the yellow sign, you can see the snow is almost to the bottom of the sign.

the view below is from our bedroom window looking out to our deck. the deck wall is about 3 ft tall. the snow is almost to it!

this is another view yesterday of our cars covered in snow. it got worse, and they looked like snowdrifts this morning.

i knew this about buffalo when moving here to be with H. and it is beautiful most of the time, especially in summer. winters were worse in erie. the plowing was nonexistent there, and it was horrible trying to get around. at least here in the buffalo area, they have great road/plowing crews and are very good at what they do. we did have a travel ban last night in our town. but now, we're allowed to go out.

H shoveled a path to his car, and began trying to shovel out his car and part of the driveway. luckily (with his rhematoid arthritis and diabetes it makes it very hard on him) a neighbor two doors down came over with his shovel to help, and another came with a snowblower, too. they got H's car and a good path cleared before the blower ran out of gas. oh well. my car is still covered completely, but H got his out and was able to go to work.

i'm sitting here waiting for the heating and cooling guy to call because our furnace hasn't been working properly all weekend. it gets down to 57 degrees inside...sometimes we can override the thermostat, but it doesn't get much warmer than 65. we like to keep it at 68 when we're in the house. no blowing. no heat. we have some space heaters in the kitchen where the dogs are, and the cats are smart enough to snuggle under the blankets in the bedroom.

i knew winters were rough in buffalo. and since i've been here, it really hasn't been bad until now. my 3rd year here.

though i would love to move to a warmer climate, i don't see that ever happening. oh well! at least i know people across the country and can go visit!!!

alright...enough complaining for now. i'm going for more coffee.

Where Are You, Weekend Bloggers?

2007-02-03T16:03:00.000-05:00

though i know i don't have much to say lately, i find i'm seeking out my regular reads.

and nobody's posting this weekend, people. ;)

no, i'm kidding.

but, i do need to expand my blog viewing. i think i'll go to my regular reads and pick a blog from their blogrolls and read a few. i am sure i'll find a few that i will bookmark.

anyway, if you're around here this weekend, and feel like suggesting a good read from your blogrolls, please post some links for me. it will make it easier.

thank you!

Meme from Odat's Blog

2007-02-02T17:28:00.000-05:00

because i have no good news or anything to say, i'm taking this blog from
http://odatmumbles.blogspot.com/

If you could have any piece of art what would it be?
Any of the nudes from Philip Pearlstein, preferably from those that have been on display at the Carnegie Museum in Pittsburgh, PA

Name two of your guilty pleasures.
watching The Young & The Restless on direct tv at 7PM each weeknight.
napping on saturday or sunday.

If you were an actor/actress who would it be and what movie would you choose to take the lead role in?
Glenn Close as Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil in Dangerous Liasons, or Kevin Spacey as Roger 'Verbal' Kint in The Usual Suspects.

What's the most romantic gesture someone's made to you?
Proposing to me at Thanksgiving dinner in Cape Cod at his sister's in front of his entire family.

Who's your favorite superhero / villain?
Underdog

What's your favorite leftover food?
cold pizza

Describe in five words how you saw yourself in high school.
unappreciated, talented, virginal, confused, misunderstood

If you could live anywhere in the world were would it be and why?
somewhere warm near water and near friends

Name five good gifts you would like to receive (within reason- no sports cars etc)
1) camera
2) chocolate covered pretzels
3) gift certificate to pick out jewelry that i like
4) sheets or towels
5) framed artwork

If you could live one week in a cartoon what would it be and why?
i'm not sure...i don't read the cartoons. maybe...snoopy. because he's happy and has a lovely friend in woodstock and charlie brown.

Dinner for five - who would you invite (the world is your oyster):
Alec Baldwin, John Enos III, Javier Berdiem, Greg Dulli, Robert Palmer

DIFFICULT breaks

2007-02-01T18:32:00.000-05:00

my friend T from home (sewickley, pa) as i've mentioned before, is going through a divorce. well, it hasn't even started yet. he has left their home and their 4 kids. he's playing evil mind games and control games that are completely horrible and i hope that karma hits him sooner than later.

i'm so angry for her, i hardly know what to do with myself.

today, he decided to not give her the money for february that they agreed on. this would be for her and the kids to live on, groceries, anything the kids need, utilities and car payment. he's demanding that she get a job immediately and is "punishing" her for not getting anything yet by not giving her the money. in fact, he offered a sum that they agreed he'd give her every 2 weeks, but is saying this sum is for the entire month. she refused and said they had an agreement. he said - if she didn't like it, he wouldn't give her anything. he didn't care if child and youth services came when the utilities were shut off because he can take the kids and she will be seen as an unfit mother.

her lawyer was in court today so she couldn't speak to her. the divorce hasn't been filed yet so T doesn't really have a leg to stand on legally yet.

she's talking about getting an injunction forcing him to agree to a certain sum...i'm just not sure what the laws are, but i hope they move fast.

this guy, who i've known for 15+ yrs is more of an asshat than i can even put into words. i'm so angry. and there's not much i can do for T and the kids.

what do you do....

RAGE

2007-01-30T15:32:00.000-05:00

i think i have a little problem called rage.

i absolutely love to waste my own time on my own terms, but when other people waste it, it really bothers me.

for example:
this morning i woke up and got ready to go down to the town hall to the DMV office there to get my new driver's license with my married name. i was told all i needed was my current driver's license, my marriage license, proof of where i live (mail in my name at my address) and the fee of $10.

so, i go there with all that information. then the woman tells me they can't accept my marriage certificate because it is from the bahamas. when i ask why, she don't give me a real answer. they just say that this happens all the time, they get people coming in her who get married in vegas and other places, and i have to go to the city health department and register it there, and then come back. that didn't make sense to me, but i couldn't get any more information from her (it really just felt like someone didn't really want to do their job, to be honest, and it was easier to dismiss me) so, i went home and called the health department, because it was obvious i was not going to get any answers from this woman.

the health department routes me to the department of vital statistics in albany.

the vital statistics department routes me to the marriage registration department there in albany.

this very pleasant woman in the marriage regsitration department, arlene, said she can't help me, they don't register out of state/town/country licenses/certificates and anyway, this is a DMV issue, not a health department issue.

SO....

i start chuckling, i think, "here we go!" i take a little walk, i light a cigarette...and i calm myself down.

i get the number of the DMV department with NYS.

after waiting on hold for 45 minutes with the DMV, i get the nicest guy from their customer service department. i explain to him what happened this morning at the town DMV office, the phone calls i made, the information i was given etc. and asked for his help. after talking with his supervisor, he tells me that if i can get 6 points of identification, then i can go back to the DMV and show them the 6 points and they will take that and i can get my new license.
the six points are: bank statement, cancelled check, pay stub, insurance card, W2, credit card.

(if i had my social security card changed, that would count as 2 points, but i don't have that done yet. i thought i'd have to have the driver's license first to change that. and if my bank card came in the mail, that would count as one point, too, but it hasn't arrived yet. i had to get a new bank card to go with my new bank account after resigning from the bank - as my employee account was required to be closed and i had to open a new customer account. and wait for new checks and bank card. fun.)

SO i had all these things, and i went back to the DMV office. the same woman i spoke to earlier in the morning was there and asked if i got the new certificate from the health department. i said no, and explained what i was told, and told her about my phone calls to the health department, albany and DMV and what they told me.

i asked her why she didn't tell me about the 6 points of i.d. that i could use instead of the marriage certificate. she said, "usually people don't have them, so i didn't even mention it."

nice.

especially since i had all of these 6 points on my person when i was there the first time this morning.

but, wait! it gets better.

we start going through my 6 points and she points out to me that if my bank statement, cancelled chk, bank card/atm card are all from the same financial institution, i can only use one of them.

WHAT??????

so, i ask - "why didn't anyone mention this to me before?" she said, "well, it is just understood."

yeah, what's understood is that i have a fucking rage boiling inside of me that is about to explode all over her ugly little mug and cheesy desk.

so i leave. and i go home and get online to find out what i need to do to get a new social security card. all i have to do is go to my local office (yes, i know where that is) and apply, show my marriage certificate/proof of residence/name change and fill out the paperwork, wait for 10 days, and then i'll get my new social security card.

then i can go through this process again.

doesn't that sound like fun?

anyway, i do feel better after writing about it. but i seriously got angry about this. i mean really angry. normally, since i've been on my happy meds (last 7 yrs or so) i don't get bent out of shape to the point of screaming anymore. i mean, i get mad, but i don't want to throw things, scream at someone or whatever. normally i just get mad, then i get over it pretty quickly and figure "oh well, i did what i could about it, no reason to get upset. it's over. i'll move on." not so today. i was so angry, i actually stormed out of the DMV office after saying "this is fucking ridiculous" to the woman who was only doing her job (albeit, the very minimum of her job, and not very well, in my opinion) and was just angry angry angry to the point of rage.

then someone pissed me off by cutting in front of me on the road - you know that changing lanes around you thing? i was going 50 in the 45 mph zone, that apparently wasn't fast enough for this person, who switched lanes and cut me off - pulled back into my lane right in front of me and proceeded to go about 70. i flipped them off but i'm sure they didn't see, nor would that have made a difference.

i come home to dogs who are bouncing, jumping, barking, shrieking, acting crazy....

and i'm just full of rage. not any more, but i'm not used to letting things get to me this badly. hasn't in a long time. last time i remember being this angry was when H was being absolutely ridiculous about something a year ago.

do i need new meds or is this an isolated incident? would other people react this way or am i overreacting?

guh.

i needs me some BHD time. fo shizzle.

and that is all for today.

Nothing Much

2007-01-29T08:06:00.000-05:00

well, the weather has been shitty all weekend. looks like we're getting 2 - 4" today, with a possible 5-9" tonight. and more continuing throughout the week. well, it IS winter.

spent the weekend watching some movies with H, had a nice time. dogs enjoyed hanging out with us in the garage, cats were peeved that we weren't inside with them. i had 2 little puke-surprises when we came in saturday night pretty late. LOL.

friday i called the dr.'s office. they had my referrals ready - but hadn't called ME as they were supposed to. whatever, i went to get them. of course, they didn't have any of the other things ready, and i had to wait while they copied what info from my file that was required. i got home and went through it all. seems that the dr forgot one piece - a page in the application for the surgeon that he was supposed to fill out - and didn't. so, they're doing it today, and promised that i will have it, and a phone call to come get it, today. we'll see what happens.

H, since he negotiates for a living, made a call and spoke to the office manager. turns out she'd had 2 other complaints this week about sharon, the incompetent worker who made me go through all the hoopla earlier that week. H made sure to compliment Katie on how she dealt with me with kindness, courtesy and respect. Katie made sure she told me during my visit to the office to pick everything up, that they were sorry for all the confusion and the wait and she realized this was a sensitive subject for me and hoped that if i needed anything else i wouldn't hesitate to call her. H is taking flowers to her today. H told the office manager how Katie's manner more than made up for sharon's, and that everytime we've had to converse with Katie either on the phone or in person, we left feeling very taken care of, respected and that our information was in good hands. not so with sharon. the office manager told H that if he needed anything further not to hesitate to call her himself, and that she would definitely tell Katie of the glowing "review" H & I had given her this day.

just shows that it makes a real difference if you treat people as people, not numbers. Katie has it down. I may take her a thank-you note today when/if I go pick up the rest of my stuff from the dr's office.

still, this process has delayed me and i don't think my application, information and referrals will make it to the surgeon in time to be invited to the february seminar on the surgery, but i've made my peace with that.

hope you all have a great beginning to the week.

No Blog, Just Meme

2007-01-25T12:15:00.000-05:00

i have no blog today, so i got this from lynne's little corner of the world. if you want to play along, great!

Rules: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following…They must be REAL places, names, things…NOTHING made up! If you can’t think of anything, skip it. Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN’T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Your name: Rebecca

1. Famous Athlete: ??
2. 4 letter word: Roar, Risk
3. Street name: Revere Avenue
4. Color: Red
5. Gifts/presents: Ring
6. Vehicles: red wagon?
7. Tropical Locations: Red Sea?
8. College Majors: Russian
9. Dairy Products: Rocky Road
10. Things in a Souvenir Shop: Racks
11. Boy Name: Robert, Rutger, Rusty
12. Girl Name: Rhoda, Renee, Rhiannon
13. Movie Titles: Reds, Red Dawn,
14. Alcohol: Red wine
15. Occupations: Researcher, Rocket Scientist, Restauranteur
16. Flowers: Rhodedendron
17. Celebrities: Robert Redford, Rita Hayworth
18. Magazines: Redbook
19. U.S. Cities: Rochester, NY
20. Pro Sports Teams: Rams
21. Something Found in a kitchen: Rack
22. Reason for Being Late: Run over, rug burn
23. Something You Throw Away: Rag
24. Things You Shout: Rape!
25. Cartoon Character: Ren (and Stimpy)

Tuesday Means Snow

2007-01-23T18:32:00.000-05:00

Finally, we have winter in the Buffalo area.

That's right. It is snowing. It has been snowing since we woke up this morning at 6AM. It looks like a winter wonderland, but only about 7-8 inches total.

And that is all.

Administration Frustration

2007-01-22T14:38:00.000-05:00

So, I got my new insurance card today. And, as I was told to do, I went to my Primary Care Physician's office to give it to them to copy for my file.

While I was there, I also wanted to check on the status of my referrals, plus all the information I needed the doctor to supply (labs, copies of office visits, etc.) that I need in order to send in the application to the surgeon in order to get reviewed and an invitation to the seminar at the beginning of each month.

SO, I get there...and Sharon, the receptionist, tells me that I could just bring my insurance card to my next office visit. I told her that I was told at my last office visit to bring it by for them to copy as soon as I got it. She didn't seem to pleased to do it. Whatever.

Then, I asked her what the status was of my referrals, that I was told were in transcription last Friday when I called. She then told me that they can do all insurance referrals online, all she needed was some information from me. I told her, that's great, but the referrals I needed are from my doctor, along with some information he needs to supply that I have to turn in with an application to the surgeon. She then keeps asking me what the surgical referral is for, other personal questions, while there is a full waiting room to hear her questions and my answers. I don't like repeating myself, which is what I had to do for the 3rd time, to this same woman. She basically said if I could give her my information, then she wouldn't have to get my file. But, if she got my file, I wouldn't have to go into this for the 4th time.

She asked my why I was seeing the dermatologist, and why I was going to see the surgeon...etc. etc. and when my appointment was for each. I told her about my appointment with the dermatologist on Feb 5 (it's actually March 2, but whatever) and explained, for the 5th time that I don't have an appointment yet with the surgeon, because I'm waiting for the referral from my doctor, along with all the other information necessary to send in with my application. And, until I get this stuff, I can't get any further in the process.

She pretty much ignored me and kept saying "no, we do the referrals online....and anything you need in writing we can mail in to the surgeon/doctors from here...." basically, wasn't listening to me, and just wanted me out of there.

Finally, I repeated again, (for the 5th time?) that I was told that what I needed was "in transcription" and I wanted to know when that would be ready, I would pick it up, and I would mail it in myself, along with my application etc. etc. etc.....

She then finally went to get my file. She looked at it. Then she asked me what I wanted copies of. I told her. She started copying things. Things I didn't need copied. I told her to stop. I showed her the application, she read it, we discussed what was needed from the doctor - as if she was hearing this for the first time. Then started saying "wow, I've never had to do this before..." and continued copying things that didn't need copying. I stopped her again. I explained. Again. What I needed. She had the nerve to say to me "we can do the insurance referrals online." I explained.....again....the need for written referrals, and other details, from my doctor. And she tells me, "they're in transcription. Once they're done with all the other patients' transcription, then they will get to this, and then we'll call you when it is finished, and we can mail out the referrals."

Ahem.

I had to again explain that I didn't want her to mail out anything, that I was going to collect the referrals, all the other required information to be supplied by the doctor and I would mail it myself. I asked her, as nicely as possible, if she had a time as far as when the transcription would be done. To which she answered taht "they're in transcription. Once they're done with all the other patients' transcription, then they will get to this, and then we'll call you when it is finished...."

Yeah.

Why don't I have confidence that I'm not going to get what I need? And if by some slim chance all this does actually get done, I bet I won't get a call that it is ready.

And that, things, though you have to follow procedures, administration headaches...that the process isn't going to go smoothly. It already isn't.

I know that I'm not in a life or death health situation, per se (depending on your opinion). I know that there are other more important things going on in other people's lives.

But, sheesh.

I can't even get things started. and there's not much I can do about it.

Intensity

2007-01-21T18:45:00.000-05:00

anybody seen this?

http://smallappliances.electroluxusa.com/node35.asp?ProdID=37007

it might be our next purchase. IF the price comes down.

my biggest complaint about our home is that we have no storage space. no where to store the vacuum cleaner, let alone books, winter clothing, craft supplies...

this may be my new best friend.

i'm also in love with closet organizers. and really great shelving that doesn't look cheap or hard to install.

we have a lot of work to do on our house this year. a new front door (red!) tearing out carpeting, putting in hardwood floors (or perhaps Pergo), not to mention the fence for the backyard for the dogs (and privacy), refinishing and repairing our back deck, and who can forget turning the garage into H's man room - redsox den - lounge. all that involves purchasing this gorgeous cherry bar, tin-like-effect ceiling, ceiling fan/light, french doors for where the garage door is, humidor, curios & shelving for redsox collectors items, leather couch/ottoman, club chair, other seating, ventilation system-smoke remover (for cigar smoke)....and i'm sure i'm forgetting stuff.

so....intensityvac?

probably not.

Health Update

2007-01-19T10:51:00.000-05:00

well, i don't have Cushing's Syndrome, i think.

i called my doctor's office to find out if they had the lab results. after much holding and explaining over and over who i was and what i was looking for, the clerk said that though she can't read the lab results, the doctor wrote "OK" on them. i asked if he would be calling me to explain and she said no because there is nothing wrong with the lab results. so, i'm taking this to mean i don't have cushing's.

my referal letters and applications are in transcription. so...i guess the process is going along ok.

my new insurance cards should be here today, they were mailed on the 12th.

so...i wait.

The Mind Of The Beeb: Great Hunter

2007-01-19T07:40:00.000-05:00

I am The Beeb. I am protector of my humans, for I seek out all evil plastic that may threaten our existence. My war cry is "RAAWLrollroll!! RAAWLrollroll!!!" and when you hear it, be afraid, ye plastic invaders!! I will hunt you down and foil your plan of attacking my humans. You, plastic sandwich bag! You, plastic that encases seemingly innocent cds! You, plastic bag which holds tools for some human item that needs assembly! I will find you, and victory will be mine!! You cannot hide forever, even in garbage receptacles. No! Mine is an instinctual, almost magnetic sensing for all things plastic. And you will not win. My wrath is unavoidable, like the stench of my horrid kitty breath!!! "Meh", I say to you. "Meh!!"

You'll hear my cry in the night. You humans may laugh when you discover why and what I hunt. I accept it. Mine is a thankless quest for safety. You will never know the evil and destruction that could have been had I not saved you from The Plastic.

I am The Beeb. You see a kitty that may need that special kind of helmet reserved for those with special needs who ride the short bus. You catch me staring at the wall, 2 inches from it, and wonder "Why so vapid, kitty?" You think each 5 minutes is a new world for me, that I have no memory that is beyond 5 minutes ago. You mock me, yet I know you love me for all these peculiarities. My tardo-kitty act is just that. It is a ruse. You do not know my secret. Yes, you spoil me with food, love, affection and a super warm tuffet in which to re-gather my strength for fighting all that is plastic. But, someday, you will thank me. And I will wait patiently for that day to come, as I stand here in the bathroom, in the bathtub, staring at the wall 2 inches from my face.

I am The Beeb: Great Hunter. You just don't know.

random superficial thoughts

2007-01-18T21:52:00.000-05:00

Greg Dulli....

again....

sigh...

this is one of my 5 freebies - greg dulli, former frontman of the afghan whigs.

the 4 others are, in no particular order, robert palmer (yes, i know he's dead), alec baldwin (yes, i know he's a whack job, but he's an awesome actor and damn if i don't still find him sexy even now) jon enos III, and the 5th...javier berdiem. (actor. spelling of this name...unsure of accuracy).

.....

so, i'm watching grey's anatomy tonight. (i don't get the attraction between addison and the guy she kissed at the end of the show.) and i so don't find meredith attractive in the least - not even in a pseudo-renee zellweger- way. for the record, i think that renee is cute, even if she's puffy in the face, pursed in the lips, and a bit in need of a few sandwiches. anyway, that grey girl on grey's anatomy....she's pasty, looks like putty with gauze and makeup over it, and her eyes are dead, not only dead but way uneven and just gross. and, she has nonexistent lips. blech. this isn't coming from a jealous place. i promise. i'm fully willing to admit when i'm jealous of a beautiful woman...like, the one who plays addison, for example, or perhaps even that janean woman who was on northern exposure....but not this meredith or miranda grey person. nope. plus, i have it on good authority that she's a real bitch, a conceited, mean bitch at that. sandra oh is more attractive, and that's saying something. (ok her body rocks, that sandra, and she's hilarious, too.)
but ok....

well, i'm all done for tonight. life is kind of weird lately, which is why i'm being superficial.

tomorrow's friday. yay!!!

South Beach Diet Q&A Help Needed

2007-01-17T14:44:00.000-05:00

i got a couple south beach diet books recently. i was looking at the meal plans, and i understand success is attributed to how you follow the plan, especially within the first 2 weeks (phase 1).

i'm wondering if anyone has had success with the south beach diet? and, if you have, if you have any information on food substitutions.

there are a few things i will not eat that are on the weekly meals. i'm not adverse to trying new things, however i know myself, and there are certain things i will not eat.

here's my list:
ricotta cheese
cottage cheese
tuna of any kind
eggplant
mushrooms
garbanzo beans
vegetable juice
tomato juice
crab
Canadian bacon
mayonnaise
cabbage

yes, trust me, i'm quite aware that i'm weird.

what i'm wondering is if anyone has any substitution suggestions/information on the above foods???

and a few vegetables i will not eat cooked, but will eat raw (and i need to know if that is allowed - to enjoy them raw but not cooked, if anyone knows):
cauliflower
spinach
carrots

veggies i like steamed or grilled (but not cooked):
asparagus
green pepper
broccoli

and i like shrimp, but only grilled or cold - not stuffed or in a salad.

SOOOOO a shout out for help. that would be MUCH appreciated. (my online searches for these questions or substitutions are not coming up with anything, though i admittedly am not the best searcher...)

thank you in advance!

My Jupiter Girlfriend: The Dichotomy

2007-01-16T12:41:00.000-05:00

She's sparkling, ethnic, dark, smooth and lovely in a completely non-traditional, non-American way.

She wants desperately to be embraced, and recognized for who she is -who she sees herself to be and who she wants to be.

At once, she's a mass of hard statements and unanswerable questions.

Not just a friend, but a sister. An intentionally created bond between us that will never change despite age and time and location.

When we met, she was very wary of my initiative towards friendship. Distrusting at first of someone who would engage in conversation with her without introduction. Burned by close friendship in the past, she had a right to be wary, but was easily gathered into our bonds of being only-children, working at the same company, age, interest in the arts, sense of humor. She brought out in me a fearlessness I never knew – a fearlessness of being myself and being accepted for only that. A quick, steadfast bond. A partnership of sorts. Both in adventure, empathy and quest.

Many adventures shared, and looked back upon with laughter, amazement, and lament for times gone by. She's a risk-taker from adolescence to early adulthood – but that has been nearly reduced to a memory. She loves telling those stories, though.

She's from a non-traditional family but became my family at a time in my life; more family to me than I had known in many years.

She's an only child. And carries the pressure, self-doubt, solitude, loneliness that comes with it. She has dealt with the unreachable expectations of parents, and disappointment from parents that all only-children can know. Outwardly, she seems very confident, but has much inner struggle with outside acceptance, self confidence and worth.

She is painfully intelligent. Gets in the way of her self…emotions never dealt with in the past, reconciling these in her present and finding a way of forging ahead to the future – moving past them yet with them in order to be who she is at the same time she’s trying to be who she wants to be. An excellent vocabulary and very well read. Street smart and book smart – both come very easy to her. A very clever mind.

She knows pain, both physical, emotional and psychological. A Survivor.

She was dealt a hard hand throughout her life, constantly running into obstacles some of her own making, some not, and persevering. Still always with the question of "Why must I be the one who has so much to overcome?" Living proof of Murphy’s Law: if anything could happen, it will happen to her. Nothing in her life has ever been easy, except for her own intelligence. Her survival is nothing short of amazing when listing all that has happened to her. Constantly having to put up with life handing her problems in the most simple of circumstances. Knowing that this will never change. Believing that God has and always will give her obstacles because she always proves that she can persevere in spite of them. Not understanding this, not liking it, but not shirking it either. Always on a quest to understand herself and those around her. Sometimes short of temper and quick with a harsh word, but never slow on an apology when one is necessary. Very self aware.

She has a quick wit, but a quick temper, easily annoyed, sharp tongue. Often outrageous in demeanor and behavior. Yet, she's so compassionate and sensitive. She has a natural dramatic flair, often mistaken for exaggeration or carelessness. But that's not her. Things are just felt very closely to the heart, and this is why I love her.

She's frank. She says it like it is. Not maliciously, but as a true Sag., she has often put her foot in her mouth without ever realizing it. Shockingly direct at times. She means well and that is what you always remember.

She had a big attraction to danger but that is mellowing due to her relationship and struggle with getting her life status where she wants it to be (in location and marital status). She's in a hurry to get life started the way she sees it should be for her. She feels behind schedule.

She's creative but also very mechanically and technologically inclined. Computers and technology come very easy to her and she understands it all as if it is second nature. She doesn’t believe in her own creativity, acts as if it is an accident. As sophisticated as her outward appearance can be (it was when I first met her, this has softened a lot over the years), her home is full of feminine touches and warmth. I remember coming to her apartment for the first time and was sure it would be very much full of leather and chrome and very sparse and streamlined. What I found was lots of mauve touches and deep wine colors, some lace, soft patterns, candles and lots of eccentric knick-knacks. Expressing what was often hidden under the surface. It was and is always spotless in spite of her claims to the opposite.

An excellent cook. Loves the good things in life; fine food, fine wine, music, fine art, literature.

Never still or idle. A doer; never stagnant, no moss growing under her feet. Motivated, driven. Naturally organized. High standards.

Idealistic and refreshing. Childlike in her enthusiasm and in the way she experiences things and situations for the first time. Playful. Full of laughter. Silly, loud, boisterous and sometimes when this it not appropriate, but it always works for her. Never apologizing for who she is. Willing to change and grow, yet not compromising of her values, morals, or uniqueness.

A lover of children and passionate about all animals. A lover of the outdoors. A studied dancer, having grace and lack of grace in many situations – sometimes at the same time.

Absolutely, she’s one to count on. Possibly because she has felt she had so little to count on in the way of friends and authority figures in her past and sometimes present. Warm and generous to a fault – sometimes to her own detriment. That is probably the best description and first I would use for her - Generous. An adopter of both people and animals. Always making room in her house, at her table and in her life for someone or something needy, and never asking for anything in return. She has the hope of returned friendship, yet she will never take advantage of that or count on it for herself. Something about always feeling unworthy in her youth…be it because of past wrongs done to her by friends, men, or parents….she doesn’t expect much from people, but is very hurt if kindness, civility and honesty isn’t returned to her. Wants to be counted on. Wants desperately to have unconditional love in her relationship. Offers unconditional love to her friends. Wants to be able to count on someone who will not let her down as others so close to her have in the past.

Parental, yet somehow this is due to lack of empathy and nurturing on the part of her parents who were children themselves when they became parents.

She wants to become a parent, the kind of parent she didn’t have, yet curses time and circumstance as it ticks away the 38 years of her life.

Deeply religious but in her own way and on her own terms – translating Catholicism into something she can live and breathe and practice. All the goodness without the judgment.

Misunderstood by many. Perhaps an acquired taste to some, but one that is familiar to my palette and that I want as a part of my daily diet.

Loyal. Always there for me. Through thick and thin.

Celeste. The definition of friendship.

Blog Posting

2007-01-15T20:05:00.000-05:00

there is a lot recently i've wanted to write about. but, i just haven't had the time since i've returned home.

my friend trish is doing ok. i fully believe she'll be fine. i helped her think things through and get organized. i let her cry. i made her laugh. i just wish i could be there more often...BUT i have her visit later in the month to look forward to. IF they can keep it scheduled. her soon to be ex is making things difficult and playing mind games at every corner. not fun. not predictable. but, she's handling it with a level head.

anyway...i did a lot of thinking about blogging, and have a few ideas about my next few blogs. and i will hopefully get this moving soon. this is a busy week - between closing and opening bank accounts, dental appointments, house-cleaning, dog training/and time spent with them...and i have to put off until next week my visit to fredonia's HR dept for an application. weather isn't cooperating anyway. i did fill out my pre-appointment application for both the dermatologist (early march) and the lengthy application for the lap-band possibility process. i had to write a letter to the team about my history and expectations, write a letter for my doctor requesting the information and referral. and now, i wait for my doctor's referrals etc. then, i send it all in to the surgery team and await either the invitation to the seminar or a rejection letter.

while i was with trish, i spoke to her good friend jodi who last year had gastric bypass surgery. she looks and feels great. i guess she has had no problems from beginning to end, and no bad side effects or issues. her life has changed for the better and she feels healthy. it was nice to be able to talk with her and i'm even more convinced that this process (lap band not gastric bypass) is right for me. though, if they tell me i'm a better fit for gastric bypass, i'm a little less scared of that possibility. so, we will see.

ok....so my new blogging ideas...i think i'm going to try blog as a writing exercise rather than journaling my thoughts and daily events, though i'm sure i'll still do that to. I wand to do this as a descriptive exercise. describing the people who are important to me - to create a picture with words, so that the reader gets an image without a photo. a lot to take on, but i think it will be good for me to do this.

other than that - life is normal. and i'm busier now than when i was working.

the constant rain is depressing...but easier to deal with than snow and ice, which is due in a few hours. yes, winter returneth.

Hard Times Away From Home

2007-01-12T08:25:00.000-05:00

since wednesday morning, i've been away from my home and back at my hometown, spending time with T, my best and oldest friend who is going through a very sudden and turning ugly divorce.

i wont be blogging for a day or two more. staying here longer than expected, trying to help as much as possible.

hope all is well for you and yours in my absense!

OK...

2007-01-09T17:31:00.000-05:00

ok, it has been one of those days. i've been thinking a lot.

i've got my dermatologist appt in march.

i've got the balls rolling for the possible lap-band surgery. they called today and explained the process. they send me an application and two letters that my doctor needs to send in with my complete application. they review my application and decide if i fit the criteria. then, if i do, i get invited to a seminar that is held on the first thursday of every month, with my "support person". this seminar explains what has to happen before, during and after the surgery. then, one week after that i can call an make the initial appointment with the nurse practitioner who will go over everything with me, then a nutritionist, and a physical therapist. this is a 3 hr appointment. then, no sooner than 8 weeks after that initial appointment, i make the appointment for surgery. so, the soonest all this would happen is may sometime.

i'm ok with this.

i did some research on the clinic in the hospital, some research on the surgeon. all good things. i will be instructed to go on the south beach diet after my initial appointment to make sure that i follow this to the T, and if i don't, he won't perform the surgery.

i'm ok with this.

just purchased 3 books - south beach diet, south beach eating out guide and south beach recipes, all from amazon.com. i'm getting prepared for this.

in the meantime, today i had the bloodwork done for testing for Cushings Syndrome. the more i'm thinking about the possibility of having this, the angrier i get. i mean, it is wonderful if this is finally diagnosed....it explains so much. but why the HELL hadn't any of my former primary care physicians (until this wonderful D.O.) even THOUGHT about testing for this or this being a possibility for me for over 15 years of my life???? the pain, the emotional problems, the CHOICES i've made.....GOD!!! a lot of that stems from weight issues. ok, some stem from being an only child and having issues with my parents....but i have had serious self-esteem and image issues...and have been damaged by this. if this is the reason.....i'm thankful the doctor is thorough enough to think of this possibility. there could be a reason for all this. if i have it. and if i do, then they can treat me, and fix my physical problems which will go a long way in fixing some of my image problems and esteem issues. if it turns out i DON'T have Cushings Syndrome, well...OK. i'll continue as planned and pursue the lap-band path regardless. it is wild to think that there may be an REASON for my depression...my weight gain...my low to nonexistant metabolism...my pain...the panic attacks and other things. it is amazing....... but it makes me so damn mad that it has taken this long!!

then again, i may not have Cushings Syndrome. and thus, misplaced anger. another issue within myself.

and, i have to learn to be ok if i get the results back and i don't have Cushings...it isn't like i can direct any of this anger at my past non-diagnosis to any one person (other than myself) or whatever. i just have to get over that and move forward. because, even if they did diagnose me earlier in life, that means my choices would have been different, and i may not have all the blessings i have now. gotta look at it that way, i suppose.

Fuzzy Kitty and other things

2007-01-09T06:50:00.000-05:00

this is the elusive Fuzzy Kitty, the Magnificent

she doesn't like to pose for pictures, much and is relatively a loner. though, she does come around now and then. we often see her binking in the early evening hours, becoming "crazy kitty" bouncing, and running up and down the hall. she is very determined, this one. she struts and poses when she wants something. she likes her quiet time with me when i go to bed each night to read. when H comes to bed, she leaves. once this week, H came in to tell me something, and F.K. was laying with me, she got up while H was talking to me, stood in the hallway where he could see her at the doorway, and bounced, and meowed and binked - her way of saying "GET OUT! this is MY time with R. you're not supposed to be here yet!" and once he left, she came back and resumed her position in my left armpit. this happened again the next night. she is our smartest cat, our mouser, our hunter, and our diva.

on to the dogs. the dogs don't like wet weather. but, they do like snow. this morning we had about an inch of snow on the ground and when i took them out to do their business, all they wanted to do was eat it. whatever.

we noticed last night that teddy's left eye looked swollen. when he finally let me look at it, it seems that there is a scratch of some sort above his iris...making his eye water, red where it should be white, and swollen all around both upper and lower eyelid. so, we're calling the vet today. he's acting normal otherwise. not rubbing at it and is being his old loving, spritely self, so it must not be TOO, too painful for him. but, i'm going to hope that they can see him today anyway. i can't go to sewickley, pa tomorrow without him being seen.

did i mention i'm going to see trish from wednesday thru friday? talked to her last night. she seems in good spirits, and the kids seem to be back to their old, lively, funny selves. she worries that they're acting TOO okay...but kids are tough. i'll see what's what when i get there.

so, i'm looking up info on cushing's syndrome (i found "cushings disease" is how to term it for veterinary links in Web MD, lynne, in case you're wondering, and "cushings syndrome" for the human stuff.) it is interesting. it would explain a lot about me, from my metabolism issues to my history of depression. what scares me is that Web MD in the overview says this:

"What is Cushing's syndrome?

Cushing's syndrome is a rare disorder that develops when the body is exposed to too much of the hormone cortisol. Cushing's syndrome is also known as hypercortisolism.

Normally, cortisol levels increase through a chain reaction of hormones. The brain's hypothalamus produces corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH), which stimulates the pituitary gland to make adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). Then, ACTH stimulates the adrenal glands to produce cortisol.

Cortisol affects almost every area of the body and is particularly important in regulating blood pressure and metabolism.

But if your body makes too much cortisol—or if you take certain medications that act like cortisol—you may develop a variety of symptoms. Cushing's syndrome may cause weight gain, skin changes, and fatigue and lead to such serious conditions as diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, and osteoporosis. If untreated, Cushing's syndrome can cause death."

DEATH????? um, this HAS been untreated with me. CRAP!!!!

OK, no need to panic yet. let's deal with one thing at a time. i go for my bloodtests within the hour. the good news is that whenever they test me for diabetes, it comes back negative for both types. also, i don't and have never had high blood pressure. thank goodness. i also don't have the stretch marks or large neck that comes with this lovely thing. phew! and i've never had a broken bone. but, i do have a history of depression, and i'd be surprised if i didn't have some osteoporosis.

then, back to call the vet. oh, this is going to be a fun day!

Tuffets

2007-01-08T17:29:00.000-05:00

So, we bought the cats some new, what we call, "tuffets" this past weekend. They like one in particular the most.

Ferris

The Beeb

and my favorite:
Ferris Being Tiny

cute, huh? :)

We have yet to catch Fuzzy Kitty in it for a photo op. No biggie. In time...

SO big day today, being my first day of retirement. Made coffee this morning for H to take to work and for me to enjoy. This usually is a weekend only thing, so it was a nice way to send him off. Cleaned up the house, went to Curves, came home to shower and have lunch, made an appointment to get my teeth cleaned (YAY!! i'm one of those weirdos who love to go to the dentist to get their teeth cleaned) and then...went to the Dr. Got a referral to a dermatologist for my dishydrosis (that office was closed, so i have to call back tomorrow to get an appointment), got diagnosed with plantar faceitis and am scheduled for bloodwork tomorrow both at 8am and 4pm to check my cortisol levels (endocrine stuff) to see if i have Cushings Disease. Not finding much on this other than in veterinary medicine, and let's be clear that I went to my D.O. doctor, not a vet. The reason for this is a lump on the back of my neck/upper back between my shoulders that could be from this Cushings Disease. i have got to do more research on this. anyway, next and second to most importantly, we have a referral to another surgeon for breast redux (appointment made for Feb 5 for consultation/info gathering/meeting the surgeon. may be about a year before i actually have it, depending on the next bullet point here:) and most importantly - a referral to a bariatric surgeon for the laproascopic surgery (lap-band) that i want. my dr was very, very cool and very encouraging about all this (breast redux and lap-band surgery) and said i'm a great candidate for each, and he will do all he can to help me make this happen. so, i called the surgeon's office re: lap-band and they don't do it anymore. i call my dr's office back and the receptionist tells me if i have a dr in mind, call back and she'll get my dr to say if he/she is good or recommended or not. i said i wanted the dr to find me another surgeon - that i wanted one he recommended. so, he's going to call me back. in the meantime, i went online and found out that at Buffalo General's (in the Kaleida Health Network, which is where I wanted to go in the first place!) weight loss clinic they have 2 dr's who do this surgery, and via voicemail i asked for an application for their program and a call back to schedule an appointment. i am officially getting started. my doctor says i have several things going for me for all this surgery especially the lap-band: i've got very good blood pressure (never has it been high), excellent cholesterol, and no diabetes. YAY.

the plantar's faceitis is quite painful. not a bone spur, though. and dr. feels that with weight loss i will be ok. this makes it hard at Curves, but i'm happy to know what it is, rather than not knowing. this is one of the major differences between H and i. he'd rather not know. i'd rather know and deal.

i'm excited, did i say that?

**EDIT**
had to add this:

the weekend

2007-01-06T16:51:00.000-05:00

well....it's 4:50 on saturday. how has the day passed by so fast? spent a lot with the dogs. happened to stop in with H to another doggy day care/dog boarder. SOOO impressive. got to play with the pet maine coon. BOY he's a dream. i got a lick on my nose from him and a good look at his lovely face and HUGE paws. next time we have room for another, and we don't go to the pound or shelter, we're getting a maine coon.

got some new "tuffets" for the kitties and dogs. they love them.

had to replace my new razor phone...it wasn't keeping a charge. hopefully, this one will because it is the second time now that i've had to program numbers etc. and i don't have that kind of patience.

now, i'm drinking some champers, and surfing around. planning my time for the week ahead.

shrimp for dinner tonight. mmmm.

thinking about purchasing a ROKU....really considering. and, a webcam/mic. we'll see.

anyway....not much going on in my life today. just the way i like it.

what are you doing this weekend?

delaying

2007-01-04T21:01:00.000-05:00

i've been delayed for a few days for a few reasons. first, i'm wrapping up my last week at work. YAY!! on to new adventures in employment. nothing for certain yet...but lots of ideas and plans.

going to try to get my foot in the door in Fredonia (a SUNY school) Univ. about 1/2 hr from where i live. great art history/art department. would love to go back to school. so, monday or tuesday i will go to the human resources building and put in an application for employment (work there, discount on classes!). one of H's contacts there suggested i do that. she also suggested that i take the NYS civil service tests (typing, etc.) so i get myself in the "pool". we'll see what happens. that test won't happen until feb 3rd. i sent in my application for that yesterday.

and speaking of my foot: monday, i go to doctor cavalieri, my primary care physician. love him. he's awesome. going to talk to him about my MINOR (in case you google it) case of dishydrosis on my left foot. tiny vesicules near my toes, major itching, not a fungus...not contagious and not anywhere else on my bod. seen pics of this, and i am lucky. mine is truly a mild case. but MAN it sucks. makes me want to rip my foot off or scratch the sole of my foot with a sharp fork. i'm also going to talk to him about the lap-band surgery, and want his thoughts on a breast redux. i am surprised i'm sharing all this with you, but, well...i'm feeling like sharing.

been arguing with h this week....mostly about money issues. i think we're both nervous about me quitting my job. but, it will all work out. we're done arguing for now. earlier this evening, we had a conversation about what is important...and there's lots more important things about us being together, happy, relatively healthy and moving forward in life, than money.

trish and her soon-to-be-ex-husband tell the kids about their father leaving, tomorrow night. i'm so sad for her, but happy that she doesn't have to deal with any BS anymore. life will change for her, too, and i just know she will come out of this more than okay. she's special. and anyone who meets her knows it.

so....tomorrow is an end, and a beginning. one door closes, another opens. right?

2007

2007-01-01T21:44:00.000-05:00

not much news to post...

...enjoying being a red-head, for now.

...wishing this weekend was longer.

but happy 2007 to all of you. :)

Just Call Me Red

2006-12-29T19:28:00.000-05:00

ok....so, i have red hair now.

i didn't plan on it. i just went in saying i wanted to go a little darker and i wanted a change...then i saw this picture...a lovely color what was called something between copper and pecan. didn't seem like that big of a jump. well...it was!! now, i just have to get used to it. i was afraid H wouldn't like it at all, but he is a smart, smart man, and he said he loves it. :)

not the best picture...but here's a look.

Good News Is Always Good

2006-12-28T19:12:00.000-05:00

SO....Teddy is doing much better, as is Stella who seems to have had a bit of the Ick, too. doctor said it was probably brought on by stress from being away from us for a while, new environment, new stimulation etc. we got some meds to put them on for 5 days and special, gentle food for gastrointestinal issues. they didn't think he was in any pain, there was no blockage or anything and the weight loss is noticeable because he's so muscular and can happen even with a day or two of the bug. no dehydration issues. all good news.

furnace is finally fixed, if for the moment. seems that this darn thing was really "gerry-rigged" by the former owner (we bought the house after it was on the market for a year, and the seller got it from an auction sale. so it had little TLC for about 2 yrs...and the builder is the son of our neighbor who has a rep for doing mechanical things like this kind of half-assed.) while that's not great news, this was an easy fix for less than we expected. we have two other parts on order for possible future problems (we have the wrong igniter, apparently) which will be in in a week or so. in the meantime, things are working and we have heat again!

i am finally relaxing. H is in the garage with the dogs, playing and watching the hockey game. I've written some thank you notes, and tomorrow i have a big day. hair cut/color at 11, then home to cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and laundry.

new years' plans are as follows: cold duck, prime rib with trimmings at meg and Carl's, ringing the new year in their tiki bar afterwards with more cold duck, great music etc. first year as a married woman. to the right man. i feel good about the future, as uncertain as it is for me professionally right now.

i hope all of you, however you spend your new years' eve, have a wonderful and safe evening, and a fabulous 2007.